God, are we friends with benefits? Am I a fuck buddy like Kale said?
The girls lead me through open glass doors out onto a balcony that has what I have no doubt is the best view in the city. The skyline twinkles before me, a collection of sparkling skyscrapers that don’t hold a candle to the magic-filled suite behind me. But out here, I’m swathed in shadow.
“So, you and Shawn—” Nikki starts, but the vulnerable girl I was with Shawn is still somewhere at his side, and I cut her off.
“What are we out here for?”
She looks through the glass wall separating the balcony from the suite. Everyone is laughing and carrying on in a frenzy of excitement, but her voice is apathetic when she says, “We were bored.”
“Are you and Shawn a thing?” Molly asks excitedly, but when she sees the worried look that must spread across my face, she scrambles to add, “Oh, don’t worry, we won’t tell!”
“It is a secret, right?” Nikki asks, and I give her a half confession.
“How’d you know?”
My question makes Molly scoff, and my head spins back in her direction. I’m going to need physical therapy for whiplash if these girls don’t stop answering for each other.
“We knew Joel and Dee were together before they even did.”
“You know Joel and Dee?”
“I got the first Dee original T-shirt creation there ever was!” Molly squeals, and Nikki smiles at her. “I love yours though. That shirt is so hot.”
I stare down at my cut-up purple shirt, feeling so weird being out here with two very girly girls. I think I’m supposed to act like a girl too, but, uh . . . how? “Thanks . . . ”
Nikki turns around and leans back against the glass. In heels, booty shorts, and a curve-flattering belly-top, I’m sure she’s getting way more attention than the one-of-a-kind art pieces sprinkled throughout the suite. A breeze blows her hair back. “So why the big secret?”
“It’s complicated,” I answer truthfully. At first, we kept the secret for fun, but now, it’s for a million reasons—none of which seem quite good enough anymore. It’s because I have no idea what Shawn wants, and I don’t want to embarrass myself by asking. What if he says he wants us to stay a secret forever? What if he says he doesn’t? When he finds out I want more from him than he’s probably willing to give, will the kisses stop coming? Will it be another six years before he calls me again?
A reckless part of me almost wanted Adam or Joel or Mike to catch us when we were kissing. Then, it would’ve been out in the open, and it would’ve been out of my hands. Instead, it’s still a secret—and it’s still mine to keep.
“Oh, sweetie,” Nikki says, patting me on the shoulder. “It always is.”
I’M THANKFUL WHEN Adam appears a few minutes later, outside for a smoke break that interrupts the girls’ interrogation about me and Shawn. I practically drag him into the conversation, and Nikki and Molly behave themselves well enough for me to actually start to like them. They don’t seem as desperate for attention as the other girls here, but maybe that’s just because they don’t need to be.
We talk about touring and buses. We talk about Rowan and Dee. And when Adam’s cigarette is nothing but a dimming red cherry in the dark, he smashes it under his shoe and we all head back inside. The four of us pass by the sunken sitting area, where Van’s drummer and bass guitarist are hanging out with a cluster of other people. There’s smoke and bottles and paraphernalia on the table that I know better than to inspect too closely or ask questions about, and I let the pool room distract me as a wall of bubbles wraps itself around the laces of my boots. A hot tub in the corner is overflowing with half-naked chicks and vanilla-scented suds, and Nikki ignores the girls calling to her as she beelines straight for Van. He’s sitting on the opposite side of the pool, in a makeshift sitting area of leather couches and chairs that look like they’ve been moved from some other room. The other guys from my band are all with him—aside from Joel, who’s cannonballing into the pool. His splash arcs toward the ceiling, and my eyes travel up to the LED lights sprinkled in the deep blue concrete sky. The pool room is just as magical as the rest of the suite, even when the spray of chlorine-scented water wets the bottoms of my shredded black jeans.
“KIT!” Joel yells from the water, his voice bouncing through the cave-like room. “Get in!”
“Nuh-uh,” I say from the edge, shaking my head for extra emphasis.