I take in a deep breath as his voice painfully cracks. I'm not sure I want to hear the rest of this story after seeing Brett covered in blood in the picture online. The pain of his memories is etched in his face as he continues. "She took every pill we had in the house. If I hadn't found her when I did that night, she would have been successful.
"She thankfully made it to the hospital in time to avoid any permanent damage to her body. Even knowing the way she had become after the accident, I was unwilling to accept that my Sarah would have done that to herself. I became a madman on a mission, demanding answers from everyone who even walked into the room. The doctors, for the longest time, said that it was guilt eating her away, but she just refused to talk to anyone. I knew it was more than that though. Even her taste in food changed. She just became a different person.
"I beat down the door of every doctor in town trying to get someone to help me get my wife back. In the end, one doctor finally diagnosed her with Post-Concussion Syndrome, as a result of her head injury after being thrown from the car. There is no cure or treatment for PCS, so he just sent us along on our merry little dysfunctional way. But at least we had something. After that, all of her doctors started taking her issues a little more seriously.
“Over the seven months after the accident, she tried to kill herself a total of three times. Each time, the method she used became more drastic. The last time she sliced open what seemed like every inch of her body with a kitchen knife." He looks down at the ground, intertwining his fingers, and resting them on top of his head. I could see the effort it was taking him to keep it together during this story. It was heartbreaking to hear this level of devastation, but worse to watch him relive it.
"After that, I let her move out and it actually helped a lot. I think not being forced to deal with her issues with me calmed her down a good bit. I basically just let her live in denial. She doesn't face any of her issues, but she doesn't try to kill herself either."
It isn’t until Brett pauses that I realize, I had been holding my breath while he spoke. My heart actually hurts for him, but I don't know what I could possibly do to help. It sounds like Sarah isn't the only one not dealing with their issues.
"So listen to me, Jess. I am an idiot for phrasing it the way I did when I told you I lost Sarah. But you have to understand, I never lied to you. Never. Not once. That is not the way I'm wired. I tell the truth even when you don't want to hear it, and you probably aren't going to want to hear what I have to say next."
He leans into me forcing my eyes to lock with his, "I go to Sarah's apartment every Thursday night. I take her favorite dinner and spend time with the evil woman who now inhabits her body. I've been doing this for years. She doesn't like it when I show up. I've never quite been able to figure out why she hates me the way she does, because before she changed, we were more than happy together. We were perfect."
He's right, I don't want to hear this. My mind is spinning. I can't figure out if I should believe him. What's worse is that I no longer want to believe him. What he is telling me now is almost more disastrous than the things Sarah told me earlier. If he is a liar and cheat, I can walk away with no guilt of my own. But I have no idea how to deal with the idea that he might still be in love with the living, breathing ghost of his wife.
"Is she still in love with you?" It surprises me that this is the first question that pops out of my mouth. I’m too scared to ask what I really want to know: is he still in love with her?
"No. Tonight I told her I met someone. She deserved to know, and honestly, I thought she would throw a party in celebration. She has been asking for a divorce since she first came home from the hospital. However, when I told her about you, she flipped her lid. The phone call tonight had way more to do with me not giving her a divorce, which she has so desperately wanted for years, than it did about her feelings for me.
“I've fought her every step of the way about the divorce. I feel like I have a responsibility to take care of her. I owe it to my old Sarah, not to turn my back on her, regardless that this new person has turned her back on me.
"She doesn't work, and she lives off the settlement from the auto insurance company. She’s completely alone. Slowly over the years, she has closed herself off to everyone. She doesn't speak to any of her friends or family. Every week she lets me in, and it's silly, but even just that simple act makes me believe that somewhere deep inside is my wife. She spends the entire night abusing me, reinforcing that my Sarah really is gone. Yet week after week, I return. I think after tonight I'm done, though." He stops talking, I can almost see a decision being made and a weight lift from his shoulders.