Flo, dear Flo, what a helluva gal. Sprightlier than a jenny mule and stronger, too, but the belle of the epoch in her finery. More than all the gold and silver, we had shared something precious in the struggle west and building our empire together. And don’t forget our babies, little John and Jess, and the others. What fine young men and women they turned out to be. Surely family is some recompense, though how could I ever repay her for my risk and speculation? Remember old Kentucky, then, and how we tricked your pap, and how far we came from those hills to the grand octagon house in San Francisco? Just lost my will in the end is all, forgive me.
Or perhaps I should save such petitions for absolution from Marie. I can’t look back now and condone the tragedy of slavery, but that was the custom in those days, the natural order of things, and I was always a man of my time. But no excuses, eh. We treated her well in New Orleans, as best we knew. We loved her like family, and I can still taste the sweetness she baked into the cornbread, and the spice in her étouffée. Who do that voodoo that you do so well? Surely there is some affection in those menus, a soup?on of love for old LaChance.
I was just playing my part in society, understand, just as I had for poor Alice Bonham. She was the youngest of the witches and fairest of them all, and I can admit now how sorry I was to send her to the gallows. In truth, I envied Mr. Bonham for his pleasures, for I was bewitched, indeed, and carried the memory and curse of her to the end of my days. The whole sad story is one of the madness that sweeps us all when we are afraid of the changing world. And yet, I cannot shake the look in her eyes when she was in the docket, the recognition I daresay that you found me guiltless, and that mercy could be but one kiss away. How can I say I’m sorry, Alice?
Or to Jane, perhaps most deserving of my apologies. Dear boy, dear girl, dear one. Would that the discovery of ambergris had not come between us, nor Waters either. Once upon a time, we were Adam and Eve in our Eden, and looking back upon it, we could have long lingered in the Garden. Would it be any consolation that I had nightmares ever after, that the sound of the blow from the oar lingered in my ears, and I drowned in regret as she drowned in the ocean? I’d give all the riches due me for one more night of her boyish figure, and I know in my heart she loved me better than that old cur Waters.
And there is no doubt about Dolly. She followed me into the rain forest, over the mountains, and into the valley of the grizzlies. How’s that for love? Leave hearth and home and enter into the realm of myth. We had two fine cubs together, slept all winter, and made hay in the spring. Not many women could put up with such a bear as me.
After they were all gone, I missed them.
Even the baby, who seemed to grow up in an instant.
The disappearance of the old man left me particularly bereft. Through the unending morning, he had been a true friend, protecting me from harm, and patiently listening to my stories. And we had a few laughs, eh? Couple of tramps wandering through life’s comedy. A man is lucky to have even a handful of good friends in one life. How long has it been since I had such a heart-to-heart with my brother? When had I last seen my father? When those we love exit, we are a solitary player upon a bare stage, muttering our lines to ourselves.
Such reveries at five in the morning torture the soul. Disturbed from deep sleep and the uncontrolled dreams of the unconscious and not yet ready to face the day, if we are awakened, we are caught between the mind’s dwelling places. Too early to get up, too late to go back to bed. On any other day, I would have padded around the house in my routine, made an early coffee, read the paper, and thought of how to avoid work. But no such comfort came my way. The house itself seemed a foreign place, crouching as if to expel me from this space. The seven women, the baby boy, and the old man had been a big part of my life for such a long time that their sudden absence grieved me most particularly. Despite their nefarious intentions, they were good company with stories to share, and now the house felt both empty yet too small, as though I was trapped within its walls, restricted in time and space. The cat returned and, uncharacteristically, nestled in my lap. I scratched the soft fur behind his ears.