‘What really happened to make Kastor send you here? I know it was not a lover’s quarrel,’ said Laurent.
As the comfortable warmth of the fire turned to chill, Damen knew that he had to lie. It was beyond dangerous to talk about this with Laurent. He knew that. He just didn’t know why the past felt so close. He swallowed down the words rising in his throat.
As he had swallowed everything, since that night.
I don’t know. I don’t know why.
I don’t know what I did to make him hate me as much as this. Why we couldn’t go as brothers to mourn—
—our father—
‘You were half right,’ he heard himself say, as though from a distance. ‘I had feelings for . . . There was a woman.’
‘Jokaste,’ said Laurent, amused.
Damen was silent. He felt the ache of the answer in his throat.
‘Not really? You fell for the King’s mistress?’
‘He was not the King then. And she was not his mistress. Or if she was, no one knew it,’ said Damen. Once the words started, they wouldn’t stop. ‘She was intelligent, accomplished, beautiful. She was everything I could have asked for in a woman. But she was a king maker. She wanted power. She must have thought her only path to the throne was through Kastor.’
‘My honourable barbarian. I wouldn’t have picked that as your type.’
‘Type?’
‘A pretty face, a devious mind and a ruthless nature.’
‘No. That isn’t—I didn’t know she was . . . I didn’t know what she was.’
‘Didn’t you?’ said Laurent.
‘Perhaps I . . . I knew she was ruled by her mind, not her heart. I knew she was ambitious, and, yes, at times ruthless. I admit there was something . . . attractive about it. But I never guessed that she would betray me for Kastor. That I learned too late.’
‘Auguste was like you,’ said Laurent. ‘He had no instinct for deception; it meant he couldn’t recognise it in other people.’
‘And what about you?’ said Damen, after a difficult breath.
‘I have a highly developed instinct for deception.’
‘No, I meant—’
‘I know what you meant.’
Damen had asked it in an attempt to turn the questioning back on Laurent. Anything to close the doors. Now, after a night of earrings and brothels, he thought: Why not ask him about it? Laurent didn’t look uncomfortable. The lines of his body were relaxed and easy. His soft lips, so often drawn into harder lines, their sensuality suppressed, at this moment expressed nothing more dangerous than mild interest. He had no difficulty returning Damen’s gaze. But he hadn’t given an answer.
‘Shy?’ said Damen.
‘If you want an answer, you’ll need to ask the question,’ said Laurent.
‘Half the men riding in your company are convinced you’re a virgin.’
‘Is that a question?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’m twenty years old,’ said Laurent, ‘and I’ve been the recipient of offers almost as long as I can remember.’
‘Is that an answer?’ said Damen.
‘I’m not a virgin,’ said Laurent.
‘I wondered,’ Damen said, carefully, ‘if you reserved your love for women.’
‘No, I—’ Laurent sounded surprised. Then he seemed to realise that his surprise gave something fundamental away, and he looked away with a muttered breath; when he looked back at Damen there was a wry smile on his lips, but he said, steadily, ‘No.’
‘Have I said something to offend you? I didn’t mean—’
‘No. A plausible, benign and uncomplicated theory. Trust you to come up with it.’
‘It’s not my fault that no one in your country can think in a straight line,’ said Damen, frowning a touch defensively.
‘I’ll tell you why Jokaste chose Kastor,’ said Laurent.
Damen looked at the fire. He looked at the log that was half consumed, flames licking the sides and embers at the base.
‘He was a prince,’ said Damen. ‘He was a prince and I was just—’
He couldn’t do this. The muscles across his shoulders were knotted so hard they hurt. The past was coming into focus; he didn’t want to see it. Lying meant facing the truth of not knowing. Not knowing what he had done to provoke betrayal, not once, but twice, from beloved, and brother.
‘That isn’t why. She would have chosen him even if you’d had royal blood in your veins, even if you’d had the same blood as Kastor. You don’t understand the way a mind like that thinks. I do. If I were Jokaste and a king maker, I’d have chosen Kastor over you too.’
‘I suppose you are going to enjoy telling me why,’ said Damen. He felt his hands curl into fists, heard the bitterness in his throat.