When my first call came in, I answered with a simple "hello," not sure how I'd get into my part. My emotions crashed within me like a storm, and I could no longer tell what I was feeling. Fear, longing, need. I missed Ash but feared being with him. He seemed dangerous but made me feel safe. None of it made sense.
So when his voice answered back, I nearly broke and told him the truth about me.
"You don't sound like yourself tonight," he said.
"Neither do you," I pointed out.
His laugh lacked his normal humor. "Touché. I think I ruined something with someone that could have been special."
My heart flipped. "A girl someone?"
"It's tacky to talk about other girls with you, isn't it? I'm not clear on the rules here." He blew into the phone.
"Cubans again?"
"Yes," he said. "My guilty pleasure."
"You can talk to me about anything you want. There are no rules. At least, not about that. I, personally, have discovered some lines I'm not willing to cross, but this isn't one of them."
"What lines would those be?" He sounded genuinely curious.
"Men have some fucked up fantasies." I shuddered, recalling my worst phone calls. "Like, I'm not sure how some of these guys aren't in prison. I won't role-play anything having to do with sexually or physically abusing children. I won't have sex with animals, even imaginary animals. And I won't watch while you do those things."
He whistled. "Do guys really ask for that shit?"
I nodded, even though he couldn't see me. "Guys really do."
"I can assure you, I'd never ask you to do or talk about anything like that. And I thought I had a dark mind. I guess I'm not as scary as I thought I was."
I chuckled. "You're not scary at all."
"You'd be surprised."
"Who did you scare?" And then I realized. He'd scared Catelyn.
"I hurt a man pretty badly the other night."
His confession took me by surprise, and I measured my words. "On purpose?"
"He'd hurt a friend and was about to rape her. I stopped him."
"Sounds like you did the right thing." Except it had been much more than that.
His voice choked. "But I didn't stop when he was unconscious. I kept kicking and punching him. Like something else had taken over. This fury built up in me. How could he hurt a woman like this? I wanted him dead, and I almost killed him. I almost killed again. Does that make me a monster?"
He sounded so lost in that moment that I regretted sending him away so harshly.
"No, it doesn't. It makes you human. After all, you didn't kill him, right?" The asshole had been admitted and was still alive when I left the hospital.
"No, I didn't. But I could have. I almost did. I don't want to be that guy. I worked so hard to not be that guy anymore."
I shifted in my chair, pulling my knees up and wrapping myself in a blanket. "I think self-awareness is the first step. You recognize this part of yourself and can identify when it takes over."
"What's the next step?"
"Finding a way to pull back before it goes so far."
"How do I do that, Cat?"
"I don't know. If I did, maybe I could fix myself as well. Perhaps we're all broken souls wandering this life looking for something that will make us whole."
"Or someone," he whispered.
"Or someone."
"Cat?"
"Yes?"
He paused, inhaling and exhaling his cigar. "I want you tonight. I want to make love to you. I want to claim a moment that's for pleasure and nothing else. A moment where darkness isn't allowed in."
His words tore at me, and I knew I wanted him. I wanted him as Catelyn, not Cat. But Catelyn had rejected him.
"With you, it wouldn't even be acting."
He inhaled sharply. "What do you look like?"
Uh-oh. "What do you imagine I look like?"
"Petite. Dark haired. Clear skin and dark eyes. Exotic."
He described Catelyn. That's who he wanted tonight, not Cat. God, this was so confusing to my heart. "Then imagine that girl as I straddle your lap and rest my hands on your chest."
"I want you closer, Cat. I need you."
"I'm here, Ash. Wrap your arms around me. Feel my body pressed against yours. Feel your cock growing hard as I press my pussy against you through our clothing. Your hands tangle into my hair as I lean in to kiss you." I could taste his mouth, a mix of mint and cigar, as I imagined us together. "My lips are soft, full, and I kiss you deeply, sliding my tongue over your bottom lip." My hand slipped into my sweats, and I rubbed a finger over my clit. "You pull up my shirt, exposing my bare breasts, nipples hard for you."
"I want to suck your nipples as you stroke my cock," he said.
Oh, God, Ash. Why did I send you away? "And then I pull down your pants and kneel in front of you, running my tongue up and down your shaft, encircling the head of your cock with my lips, sucking and teasing with my tongue."
"While I finger you," he said, his breathing heavy.
"Your fingers feel so good inside of me. But I want your cock to fill me."
"I lay you back on the floor," he said, "and pull your panties off. I spread your legs, running my hands up your thighs until my fingers brush up against your pussy. I lean in, kissing your inner thigh and then flicking your clit with my tongue, so gently it just teases you."