California Girls

“I don’t understand.”

She felt the pieces of her shattered heart crumble and turn to dust. “It was for our week in Hawaii. I thought we could work on getting me pregnant.”

He sat on the edge of the bed and broke into sobs. Finola gently laid a hand on his shoulder. So much had been lost, she thought grimly. They could have had it all and now they had nothing, and they were each very much to blame.





Chapter Twenty-Seven


Regret didn’t begin to cover what Zennie was feeling. She still had months to go and already her body was turning into something she didn’t recognize. Her boobs didn’t just throb, they were growing. Her emotions continued to simmer just below the surface. That morning, in the OR, she’d been so caught up in the beautiful dance that was heart surgery that she’d nearly started to cry. She was a mess and she was pissed at herself for agreeing to have Bernie’s baby in the first place.

Who did that? Who did it without considering the consequences? That would be her. She’d blithely agreed to something momentous without a second thought and now she was paying the price. She was trapped with a baby growing inside of her and there was nothing she could do about it.

Dr. Chen watched as new team member Dr. Kanji carefully closed after the surgery. Zennie collected the dirty instruments and equipment. On her way past, Dr. Chen said, “Zennie, would you meet me in consult room three in ten minutes?”

Her head snapped around as she stared at Dr. Chen over her surgical mask. She nodded once and hurried out of the OR.

Ten minutes later, she was a swirling mass of nerves. What if he was going to fire her? What if he yelled at her? Dr. Chen didn’t like change or incompetence or any disruption to his OR. He was a perfectionist and demanding and while she’d always prided herself on being his equal in her own way, she was filled with doubts.

She returned to wheel the patient to the recovery room and passed on Dr. Chen’s instructions. He would check on him several times before he was taken to the cardiac care unit. Zennie left recovery and went directly to the consult room where Dr. Chen waited.

She did her best not to look wary and defensive as she closed the door behind her. Dr. Chen motioned for her to sit down across from him at the small desk.

The consult rooms were used for just that—consultations with the family before surgery—usually in an emergency. They offered some privacy, although they were far from soundproof. Zennie told herself to be grateful Dr. Chen wasn’t a screamer and made a mental note to not cry. As if a stern instruction would make a difference to her wayward hormones.

“There’s something going on, Zennie,” Dr. Chen said flatly. “I’m not much of a people person, but even I’ve been able to guess that. So far it’s not affecting your work, and I’m grateful, but I would like to know what the problem is. Maybe I can help.”

The unexpected offer made her smile. Dr. Chen helping her while she was pregnant. Um, no.

“I’m fine,” she began.

He raised his eyebrows. “I’ve always trusted your integrity. Don’t make me doubt it now.”

Ouch. “I’m fine,” she repeated. “But there has been a change in my life.” She hesitated, wondering if she could put off the conversation a few more months. That had been her initial plan, but now she was stuck.

“I’m pregnant,” she said, meeting his steady gaze. She explained about the artificial insemination and Bernie and how far along she was.

“I’m healthy and I have excellent medical care. There’s no reason to assume I won’t be able to continue working in the OR for several more months.”

She’d meant to stop there. That was all the man needed to know. But somehow she found herself continuing to talk.

“It’s just so much harder than I thought it would be,” she admitted. “I feel emotional all the time. The smells aren’t getting to me, so that’s good, and I don’t have morning sickness, but my body is changing and the food I have to eat is disgusting. I thought I ate fairly healthy but I am so sick of being told how many servings of dairy I need in a day. I have to cut back on my running and I miss coffee and wine and I know this is a good thing and I love my friend, but sometimes I feel really alone and scared and then I start crying.”

On cue, tears filled her eyes. “See? It’s a nightmare and now I’m worried you’ll take me out of rotation.”

Dr. Chen opened a drawer and pulled out a box of tissues. She grabbed one and blotted her eyes.

“Are you wearing support stockings?” he asked.

“Huh?”

“Support stockings. You’re at risk for varicose veins and the support stockings will help with that.”

“I’m wearing them.” And they were one more insult to her life. “I thought I’d be a better person. I thought I’d get pregnant and be happy the whole time and I’m not. I don’t want an abortion or anything, but this is a lot harder than I thought. My mom isn’t very understanding and some of my friends have been awful. Clark’s back in my life, which is weird, but nice. He’s a good guy. We’re just friends this time, and I like that.”

“I have no idea who Clark is.”

“I know. Sorry. I’ll stop talking now.” She consciously pressed her lips together in an effort to silence the flow of words.

“Zennie, you’re the best nurse on my team. I don’t want to lose you. I’m glad you told me what’s going on.” He leaned toward her. “You’re doing a good thing. Of course you have doubts—you’re human and this is a huge thing to take on. But you’ll get through it. As for work, I’m going to trust you to tell me when you aren’t comfortable handling the long hours on your feet. Given how fit you are and your age, I’m guessing you can go several months, but at some point, you’re going to have to transfer out of the unit.”

More tears. “I don’t want to.”

He smiled. “I don’t, either, but it will just be temporary. Trust me, I’ll be counting the days until your return.”