California Girls

She wasn’t a bad person, she told herself. She wasn’t. She was smart and funny and kind. The problem was there was so much going on and she just couldn’t seem to get her mind around how everything had changed. With Nigel, of course, but also with her sisters. She couldn’t believe Zennie was a surrogate for one of her friends. It was an insane decision and one that had so many opportunities for disaster. Seriously, what had she been thinking? Only Zennie was certainly at peace with her decision and Ali was acting like Zennie had just walked on water. It was disconcerting and uncomfortable and strange.

Finola told herself it was okay for Ali to admire Zennie for this and that it was no reflection on her as a person. But she knew in her gut she could never be as selfless. She just couldn’t. If she was going to have a baby, she was going to keep it herself.

Without wanting to, she remembered what her stepfather had said. That regardless of what had happened, some of the failure of her marriage was her fault. She didn’t want to believe that, only she couldn’t seem to dismiss his point. The stupid concept kept coming back to her, as if daring her to admit some of the fault was hers. But even if she did admit the premise had some merit, what could she have possibly done to deserve Nigel cheating on her like that?

She sat up and swung her feet onto the floor. What if, she thought reluctantly, not wanting to entertain the idea but unable to let it go. What if Nigel had cheated with a normal person? How would this all be different? What if he hadn’t cheated at all? What if he’d just left her?

Pain ripped through her, but she ignored the searing across her heart as she tried to figure out how she would feel under those circumstances. What if Nigel had just told her he was unhappy in their marriage and wanted out? Then their situation wouldn’t be about him or Treasure or betrayal. It would be about her.

It would be her fault.

She held the bear closer. No, she told herself. It wouldn’t be. He was still the one who... It was him. All him. It had to be. She was just...

She thought about what he’d said about scheduling sex and felt herself flush. As for the rest of his complaints, that she was too busy and too focused on her career, the same could be said about him. His work mattered more than anything. They were successful, driven people.

But Nigel had been unhappy. She didn’t want to think about that, but the words refused to go away and she couldn’t stop hearing them. And if she accepted the premise that without Treasure, without cheating, it was all on her, where did that leave them? Were there any pieces to pick up or were they past the point of redemption? Had they gone all this way only to end up with nothing?

Nigel was the only man she’d ever loved—she couldn’t have lost him. And yet, it seemed she had.





Chapter Eighteen


Ali sat in the dark. It wasn’t even ten o’clock, but it felt later. Or maybe it was just her mood. She knew she should get up and get ready for bed. Or go eat ice cream.

No, she amended, still not stirring from the sofa in Daniel’s huge living room. She shouldn’t eat ice cream but she probably would. Maybe a nice sugar rush would distract her from the hamster wheel that was her current thoughts. She wouldn’t mind the spinning so much if she was thinking something nice about herself, but she wasn’t. Words like loser and stupid and insignificant kept tumbling around and around.

She pulled her knees to her chest and told herself she was fine. Or would be fine. That these feelings would pass and she would be—

A light clicked on in the hallway. Seconds later Daniel walked into the room.

He was in silhouette so she couldn’t see much more than the shape of him. He looked big and strong, as if he could easily handle whatever life threw at him. He was so together. He had a beautiful house and a great business and a wonderful future to look forward to. By contrast she was homeless, stuck in a dead-end job with an employer who didn’t think she had any potential. And if she kept eating ice cream she was going to be even more overweight than she was now.

“Want to talk about it?” he asked, settling in one of the chairs opposite the sofa.

He turned on the table lamp next to him, looked at her and waited.

“I’m feeling whiny,” she admitted. “Trust me, you don’t want to be a part of this.”

He smiled. “Give me your best. I can handle it.”

She really didn’t want to fall apart in front of him. She’d done too much of that already. But somehow his words seemed to loosen whatever self-control she had until she found herself blurting, “It’s awful. You have no idea. I figured Glen dumping me was the worst of it, but it’s not. Or maybe that was just the beginning of my unhappy revelations.”

She dropped her feet to the floor and put her hands on her lap. “Did you know that my dad and I haven’t actually talked in six months? We don’t ever talk. We text every now and then. When he found out about Glen, he texted me. There was no supportive phone call. Just a text. My mom was slightly more supportive, but it’s a really low bar. She and I did have a conversation during which she asked me what I’d done wrong to lose Glen.”

She paused, waiting for him to say something, but Daniel only watched her, as if expecting her to continue. She drew in a breath.

“I thought things were great at work. I thought I was doing a good job. I’m in charge of inventory control and I’ve implemented a lot of changes that are making a difference. I’ve run other departments, I’ve had people working for me. When the warehouse manager goes on vacation or gets sick, I’m the one who fills in.”

She glared at him. “And you know what? He’s retiring and they’ve interviewed Ray for his job but not me. Why not me? I know more about the warehouse. I’m a better manager. Ray was invited to interview and I’ve heard nothing. Nada. It’s like they don’t see me. Zennie’s having a baby for her best friend. She’s giving Bernie and Hayes a baby. A baby! That’s amazing. She’s amazing and I’m not. I want to be amazing, too.”