I want this.
Maybe Ian doesn’t want me the way I want him, and maybe he never will. But right now it’s unfair to want him to want me since I can’t give myself to him. If I really want to have Ian in a permanent way, then I’m going to have to get over this. No man, especially not a Forsaken man, wants a woman who can’t fulfill his needs. If I can’t touch him and he can’t touch me, there’s absolutely no hope that I’ll ever be able to turn my fantasy into a reality.
Maybe that’s why he’s avoiding me. He knows I can’t meet his basic needs and sees no point in trying to form a relationship because of that. The idea that he could want me, if only I can get over this one thing, fills me with a new determination to get better. For him, for us.
The adult toy inside the bag feels so heavy as I pull it out. I borrowed my mom’s car a few days ago and drove down to Santa Rosa to buy the stupid thing. I was not about to find a place in Willits to buy something like this. We’re kind of isolated out here, and even though the people there may not know me, I know me. I know how close I am to home, and I know they could recognize me from the newspaper article about my attack. Even if they don’t recognize me, the very thought of buying a sex toy so close to home is too nerve-racking. I could have ordered the stupid thing online, but my mom is nosy and would want to know what’s in the package. This was just easier, even if it did take half a day to run the errand and more money than I would have liked to spend. I push the guilt away and rationalize that even if it is Ian’s money I spent on this, it’s also for Ian, so it’s okay. Not that he cares.
When I was in the hospital, he stayed in my room as much as he could, and when he couldn’t, he sat outside my room. I was half out of my mind at that point, but I always knew he was there. He told me I didn’t have to work, that he would take care of me. In a moment of pure, selfish pity, I accepted the arrangement. Now, every month, like clockwork, he brings by a wad of cash. I’ve tried to refuse it, and I’ve tried to give some back because it’s always way too much. He never accepts it. I gave up trying to argue when Holly told me the truth about how she and Grady got together. He tried to force that twenty-five grand on her, and even though she fought not to take it with everything she had, he still managed to make her accept it. It’s in a hat box in their closet now. She says she’s hanging on to it until he dies so she can bury him with it. In the same spirit, I use the money I need and put the rest away. Not in the bank, though. I know enough to know that cash deposits of random amounts with no traceable source are suspect, and I don’t want to get anyone into trouble. Especially not Ian.
Ian—that’s why I’m doing this. For Ian.
The device is already loaded with batteries. I did that they day I brought it home. I also tried it out on my arm. I spent a little extra on it because it has four setting levels, each one more powerful than the last. The lowest setting barely buzzes, but the woman at the store swears that the little extension on its side ensures even the low setting is pleasurable. I don’t know what I can handle, if anything, but I’m determined to push myself to find a way to eventually enjoy this. Even if it’s only ever with myself.
With shaky hands, I toss the vibrator on my bed and remove my clothes. Even my socks get tossed on the floor. Being naked isn’t much of an issue as is being naked with the intent to pleasure myself. I’d never experimented with touching myself before I met Heath. Then we were together and there was no need to. It wasn’t until he went away and some of the other Army wives were talking about their favorite toys that I gave it a try. I thought I’d feel dirty by touching myself so intimately and all alone, but I didn’t. Getting off became a part of my routine. Talk to Heath, touch myself, go grocery shopping, study for finals. After a while, I even stopped buying ibuprofen, because having an orgasm was better than taking pain killers any day.
I just hope I haven’t lost that forever.