She looked down at her hands, folded them upon her lap. When she glanced up at him, Nick would’ve sworn on a stack of bibles, that her eyes were full of tears. Not knowing how he felt about that, he averted his eyes.
“May I speak?” she asked hoarsely and when he didn’t answer she continued. “When your father left me, a part of me left with him. I became so self-absorbed in my own self-pity, that I let that dictate the kind of mother I became. You became everything to me. You were all I had left. I know that the first couple of years after your dad left that I wasn’t there for you. You would spend all your time with Luke and his family. For the most part, I was happy that they were good to you, and I figured they helped you through the divorce.
As time went on, and I became more aware of the emptiness in my life, I started to notice that you and I didn’t even have a relationship anymore. You looked at Debbie Lanza, more as a mother, then you looked at me as one. I had no one to blame for that but myself. Sure, I tried to blame Deb, even blamed Joe, but in the back of my head I knew how ridiculous I was being. It just helped me get through it at the time.”
Nick stared at his mother, listening to her words, and contemplating if what she said was true. After his parents had divorced his mother was never there for him. He would hate to go home after school, and so he didn’t. He stayed at the Lanza’s, they never asked questions, just always held the door open for him.
“I knew they weren’t being anything but good people. It just didn’t make me feel better about myself, or the fact that I had lost you on top of losing your father. There were days when I was happy that they were there for you. Like when you and Luke joined the football team. Your father wasn’t around to teach you how to throw a ball, but when Joe taught Luke, he taught you too. One day, I ran into Deb at the grocery store. She was going on and on about how her Sam, had the biggest crush on you. She couldn’t have been happier. Then it dawned on me why, she was so happy. She loved you like her own son, who better for her daughter to end up with, she knew you and Sam could be perfect together.”
She was crying. For as long as Nick could recall, the only time he remembered seeing his mother cry, was the day his father left.
“When Luke had gotten that girl pregnant, and she left him with the baby, it scared me. The only reason why Luke, is the man he is, the father he is, is because of the support system he had. That family rallied around him, and did anything they possibly could to help him be the noble person, he is. It got me thinking, I wasn’t a support system for you. I wasn’t even a mother to you. What if you would have gotten their daughter pregnant, could you handle it the way Luke had? You didn’t come from that background. You came from a mother who couldn’t lift her head off the couch for three years after your father left, what would you know about stepping up to the plate. It wasn’t your fault, just another one of mine.”
He ran his fingers over his hair, struggling not to let the emotions of his mother’s words overcome him. He swallowed the lump in his throat and listened as she continued.
“I accepted that they loved you and you loved them. I knew they were everything I wasn’t to you. And when I realized that you could be in that situation with Samantha, I feared you losing them and succumbing to what I was. What if you couldn’t be the man that did the right thing, like Luke? No one taught you that. Not me, nor your father, because whenever our backs are against the wall, we fall apart. They’d rally around their daughter, their only daughter. Not for one minute, can one doubt the lengths those parents would go to for her. Where would that leave you? You would’ve been alone, without the only family you’ve ever really known. You wouldn’t have turned to me, and I wouldn’t have blamed you.” She took a deep breath and sniffled.
“I used that incident with Jake, to get you out of here, because it was the only thing I thought, would allow me to help you.” She brushed an invisible piece of lint off her pants, and looked up at him. “I’m sorry I hurt you, and stood in your way of happiness. At the time I really thought I was doing what was best for you. Another reason I came here today is to assure you, that I want you to be happy.” She studied his face, traces of hope alive in her eyes as she spoke. “I watched you at the cemetery. I saw how you stood beside her and held her when she cried. I saw the noble man you were taking care of the woman you love.”