"I like to think she ran away and started over somewhere, but I don't think so. She's been gone for too long without contacting me."
"If she died, wouldn't you know? Most people leave bodies where they'll be found. I heard the cops sweep certain rivers and creeks weekly to look for the bodies of working girls."
We both look at Lula, who is ignoring us. Thinking of my sister, I run a finger along with the sweat from my drink.
"I sometimes dream Sabine moved to the beach," I say softly. "She dreamed of living in a resort town. She said her life never gave her a chance to be out in the sun where she could tan. I like to believe she made it to Florida. Maybe she sent me a postcard and it never reached me because of Wolfman or me moving around so much. I still have hope even if I shouldn't."
"Hoping doesn't hurt shit," he says, taking my hand. "Does your sister look like you?"
"A little, but not much. We have the same eyes as our mom. That's about it."
"Lula has your eyes. I don't notice stuff like that usually, but it's real obvious with you two."
Staring into his fair blue eyes, I lose track of everything. I think of how we're alike in a lot of ways. We can make something out of the crap hands we've been dealt. The delusion feels so real that I only snap out of it when the food arrives. Realizing I'm stupid to believe I can satisfy Pax when an entire harem leaves him restless, I avoid his gaze while we eat. He doesn't stop watching me though.
Lula's whimpering breaks the awkward spell, and I turn to find her nearly in tears.
"What happened?" I ask softly.
Lula shows me how she dripped ketchup on her new dress. "I made a mess."
"It's okay. It'll come off in the wash."
My words mean nothing to Lula. She's prickly about messes and likes to keep her things nice. Now her night is ruined because of a small red spot on her otherwise pristine dress.
Already moving, Pax kneels next to a weepy Lula and studies her ketchup spot.
"Are you a messy eater?" he asks.
Miserable from such a small mistake, Lula nods.
Pax sighs. "I'm messy too. Look."
Lula watches him dip his finger into the ketchup on her plate. He wipes the ketchup on his shirt then sighs again.
"See?"
Lula doesn't want to smile, but she gives in when Pax acts like he might cry. After she wipes the mess off his shirt, leaving a spot behind, my daughter hugs him reassuringly.
"Mom will clean it."
"That's what we keep her around for."
Even rolling my eyes, I want to hug him for making her smile again. He returns to his seat then glances at the fish tank.
"I had a fish once when I was a kid, but the cat fell in the tank and killed it. That cat was so mad about getting wet, but he didn't care at all about killing the fish. You ever have fish?"
Lula shakes her head. "I've never had a pet."
"You have Folgers now. We should get fish too. I bet Folgers would like a tank of fish to watch. He gets bored when it's cold out."
Lula's eyes light up. "Can we have orange ones?"
"Sure. After you finish eating, you can point at the ones you like."
Ketchup spot forgotten, Lula returns to eating. Her happiness makes me crave Pax even more. I'd think he was using her to con me into bed, but he's not that kind of guy. I doubt Pax plans anything out. Organizing this table is likely the closest he's come to being romantic in his life.
When I smile at him, he gives me a weird look. He clearly doesn't understand how sexy he is when he's sweet to Lula. Making women swoon normally comes down to Pax flexing his muscles and flashing his baby blues. For me, when he makes my little girl laugh, I want to keep him forever.
By the time we leave after a decadent dessert the three of us share, I'm done waiting for my eye to heal. Pax might not be forever. He might not be a man capable of remaining faithful. My heart might end up broken. I don't care. I just want to fall for a guy. With Howie, I dated him because I couldn't say no. I never found him attractive. The sex was dull. He bored me in every way. The only time I wasn't bored was when I was scared.
With Pax, I'm falling, and I don't want to stop.
Lula is wiped out by the time we get home. I give her a bath before we take her dress to the laundry room where she watches me spray spot remover on the ketchup stain. Once she's satisfied with my work, I carry Lula to bed and read her a book until she dozes off.
Through it all, I hope Pax waits for me in the living room. He doesn't disappoint.
I sit on my knees next to him on the couch while he flips through channels. He's wearing a different tee, and my gaze takes in the curves of his strong chest. Pax stops staring at the TV and notices me watching him.
"What?"
"I like you."
My words are so stupid, but I can't think of anything else to say. Pax tosses the remote on the couch then reaches for me. One hand cups my cheek, guiding me down to kiss him. As our lips meet, his other hand slides around my waist.
I surprise myself when I straddle him. Maybe I startle Pax too, because he pulls away his lips.
"Do you like me?" I ask, hoping he'll kiss me again.