"Sarah!" I hear Leo’s gravelly voice shout from somewhere in the distance. But if he is expecting me to come to him, he might as well be in Antarctica.
"Yeah," I barely squeak out with my head resting on the toilet seat. And just when I thought I couldn’t get any more desirable to a man, I’m hugging his toilet.
"Are you okay?" he asks with concern filling his voice, but the sound of him throwing up rings through the air.
"No," I answer honestly.
"Me either," he responds before throwing up again.
I’m assuming he’s in another bathroom down the hall, but another pain hits my stomach in epic proportions.
"I think we have food poisoning," he growls.
"I hate you," I say to my stomach, the toilet, and Leo all at exactly the same time, but none of them answer.
Fifteen years later, I fall asleep with sweat covering my face and vomit lingering on my tongue. The cool tile floor is my only comfort.
"SHH," I hear whispered as I’m lifted off the floor.
My head falls back over his strong arm and my legs dangle loosely in his grasp. The devil himself could be carrying me to Hell and I wouldn’t care, but thankfully for me, it’s Leo’s voice in my ear.
"I…" I try to fire off some random thought, but it only rouses me further from sleep, making me wish I could rush back to the bathroom.
"Shh," he repeats, depositing me on a plush bed. "Bucket on the side," are his only real words as he settles beside me.
I reach a hand over to become acquainted with the plastic rim of my new friend, the trash can, then drift off to sleep.
"EXPLAIN THE note, Leo!" Slate roars.
"Get the fuck out of my apartment!" I shout right back at him while searching through my room for my phone and wallet.
I have to get the fuck out of here.
"Were you just going to leave that shit for her? Let her stumble upon it the day before we got married? Goddamn it, Leo. Fucking talk to me!" He steps up, preventing me from leaving the room. As the former heavyweight champion of the world, Slate isn’t exactly someone you can just ignore.
"Jesus Christ, it’s not what you think," I lie. "I was just having a bad day and needed to put a few things down on paper."
"Bullshit. You were saying goodbye to her," he snarls, and I feel the rage rolling off him.
I know he would never want anything to happen to me, but that is not where his concern is aimed. He’s pissed right now at the idea that I might do something that would hurt Erica. And I respect the hell out of him for that.
"What do you want me to say here?" I pinch the bridge of my nose. "Why the fuck are you going through my shit, anyway?"
"Because when I got here this morning, you had been on a three-day bender and I was fucking worried." He sucks in a calming breath and cracks his neck. It takes a few seconds for him to push it all down, but he finally looks me in the eye and asks, "Now please explain the note."
I let out a resigned sigh. "I’m drowning."
"Right. I got that," he answers.
"No, you don’t understand. When I had Erica, my goal in life was to keep her safe and make her happy. I spent every minute of the day focusing on her. Trying to make some sort of amends for what I did to her. But now she’s gone, and I feel like I am dying."
He blinks at me for a few seconds. "Leo, I’ve never felt the need to ask this before, but right now, I’m really fucking confused. Are you in love with Erica?"
"Oh for fuck’s sake." I push past him out of my bedroom and head to the rec room, where I think I left my wallet last night. "See, this is the bullshit I get for trying to talk to someone!" I shout over my shoulder with a sarcastic laugh.
"Well, you’re not making any sense."
I pause and spin around to face him. "My life doesn’t make sense. No, I’m not in love with Erica. I have never once looked at her like that. Yes, I love her, and in some sick way, she is the only family I have left. But you can rest easy, big man. I’m not in love with your fiancée," I say humorlessly.
"Then what is the big issue with her being gone?"
"She was my distraction!" I shout. "I spent the last four years trying to make her better, but now, she’s gone and the choices I’ve made flash like neon lights around me. I can’t focus on anything else. I was wrong. I thought seeing her happy and moving on would release me. It didn’t though—it made it worse. I fucking hate myself. I let an innocent woman be raped—repeatedly."
I know my words have made their way under his skin, but he still manages to grit out from between clenched teeth, "You had no choice."
"Bullshit. Everyone has a choice. I should have let them kill me."
"They would have killed her! Get your God damn head straight. I fucking hate you for what you did—or, rather, didn’t do—but she made it out alive. You saved her on more than one occasion. Consider your penance paid!"
"It’s not enough. I can’t live like this."
"So, what? You’re now planning to kill yourself? You think that would help Erica?"
"No, but it would help me!" I scream.
"Leo," I hear Erica squeak from behind me.