‘Hmm,’ she agreed, quickly engrossed again in her computer monitor.
Back at my desk, I kept glancing at the door. I couldn’t help wondering how bad things would be for me when Bryony returned.
‘Don’t worry about it,’ Jo said, looking up and catching my expression. ‘You’ve done nothing wrong.’
Somehow, it just didn’t feel that way.
Half an hour before the shop closed for the day, Jo made tea and brought it through for us to sit and drink at our desks as we wound up for the day.
‘This is nice. Thanks.’ I cradled the mug, savouring the warmth in my hands. The rest of me felt icy cold, though the heating had been on all afternoon.
‘You look tired out,’ Jo said. ‘You should run a nice hot bath with candles when you get home. Treat yourself.’
‘Chance would be a fine thing,’ I muttered, already imagining the long-gone luxury of an hour or two to myself to get lost in a book, to take a bath without worrying about anything and everything. I looked up to find Jo studying me. I gave her a small smile and brought my mug up to cover my face.
‘Toni, I don’t want to pry but are you a single mum? It’s just that you mentioned something about just moving up here with just your daughter, ’ Jo said tentatively. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging. I’ve nothing but respect for single mums.’
‘I am.’ I managed a smile. ‘Not by choice though. My husband, Andrew, he died.’
The last thing I wanted to do was bring it all up again after speaking to Dale.
‘Oh God, I’m so sorry.’ She put down her mug and covered her mouth with her hand. ‘I didn’t mean to intrude, I—’
‘Really, it’s fine,’ I assured her. ‘I wish to God it hadn’t happened, but it did, and the best I can do is try to deal with it every day. I’m not sure I manage it most days though.’
I gave a little laugh but Jo’s face remained serious.
‘I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through.’ She shook her head. ‘What you’re going through, every day. And little Evie – did you say she’s only five?’
‘She just turned five two months ago.’ I nodded, remembering all the tinies – around fifteen of Evie’s nursery friends – wreaking havoc in the ball pool at her birthday party.
Afterwards, Evie said, ‘It was the best birthday ever in the WHOLE universe of the world, Mummy.’
I’d looked at her flushed face and bright eyes and promised myself that, when we moved house, I’d give her even better birthdays with her new friends each year.
I didn’t feel nearly as confident about that now.
Jo looked at me, too polite to ask more questions but obviously wondering. So, for the second time that day, I explained what had happened to Andrew. The accident.
Her face seemed to crumple, although thankfully she didn’t start full-blown crying. I don’t think I could have handled that. I’d have probably joined in.
I hated that, no matter how many times I explained how Andrew’s accident had happened, he sounded incompetent. I felt guilty even thinking that word in relation to Andrew, but it seemed that whatever I told people, and however I said it, it sounded like it was his fault. There was no getting away from the fact that, on paper, he was the one leading the mission that night.
It was something that constantly bothered me but that I’d kept completely to myself. Thankfully, nobody else had been tactless enough to mention it.
Sometimes, in the early hours, I burned inside, wondering how he’d managed to make such a terrible navigational mistake.
But talking about it now to Jo, I just felt empty.
‘I’m sorry, Toni.’ Jo wiped at her eyes with her sleeve. ‘I wasn’t expecting that. You see, I know how you feel. My sister, well, her husband died on active duty, too, a few years ago. She’s been through hell. Actually, she’s still in it.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that, Jo, her suffering sounds familiar.’ I twisted up my mouth in sympathy. I hoped she didn’t want to tell me all about it, I didn’t feel up to it.
‘I do what I can, but it’s hard, you know?’ Jo said, staring towards the window. ‘She lives down south. I manage to get down there a few times a year but most of the time it’s a matter of supporting her as much as I can by phone or Skype. I’m not sure it’s enough, really.’
‘Your sister’s lucky to have you.’
Jo shrugged.
‘I don’t know how much good I do. It almost destroyed her. But she hasn’t got any kids,’ Jo said. ‘You do so well holding down a job, being a mum to Evie. I can’t imagine what that takes.’
She glanced at the clock.
‘Oh well, nearly closing time. I’ll check the back door’s locked and turn everything off, if you can put the shutters down.’ She hesitated. ‘Just one thing. I hope we can be friends and, maybe when we know each other better, I can get to meet Evie and even help you out a bit. I – well, I have nobody. But I have lots of time.’
I felt my face burning. It was so kind of Jo but I didn’t feel ready to let someone I had just met fully into my life yet. Still, her concern had helped a little. Just knowing she had personal experience of something similar made me feel a little more normal.
‘Thanks Jo.’ I smiled. ‘That means a lot.’
* * *
The Friday-night traffic driving home was particularly heavy and the car crawled along in gridlocked queues for several miles. A fat raindrop exploded on the windscreen, followed by another and another. Within minutes, the shower turned into a torrential downpour. The windscreen wipers were unable to cope and suddenly I could barely see the car in front of me.
As the traffic was continuously crawling and then stopping, I had to wind the window down and keep wiping the windscreen with a grimy old cloth I found in the door pocket. The whole of my right-hand side was getting thoroughly soaked.
Thankfully the downpour eased quite quickly, but still, after the day I’d had, it was all too much.
Heat and pressure welled up inside my head and tears began rolling down my cheeks. That rotten feeling I’d hoped was finally behind me, the feeling that everything was going wrong again, well, it was back with a vengeance.
I found myself wondering if things could actually get any worse.
35
Three Years Earlier
Toni
Evie was in a foul mood when I eventually arrived home, a full forty minutes later than usual.
Throughout the journey, I confess I’d kind of hoped that Mum had taken Evie back to her house for a couple of hours after school. A bit of down time alone, to try to get my head straight, would’ve been more than welcome today.
‘I can’t do anything with her,’ Mum whispered behind her hand as we watched Evie jamming Lego bricks together so hard it was only a matter of time until she nipped her fingers.
‘Calm down, poppet, it’s Friday,’ I said lightly, even though I probably felt as frustrated as she did. ‘That means no more school until Monday.’
‘I don’t want to go anymore,’ Evie scowled, staring down at her bricks. ‘I don’t like it there.’
‘What don’t you like, Evie?’
No response.
‘I can’t help you if you won’t talk to me about it,’ I pressed, feeling my heartbeat speed up a notch. ‘Is someone being unkind to you in class?’
‘I just don’t like it,’ Evie repeated. ‘I hate it. I hate everyone there.’
Mum turned to me. ‘It’s not helped, Toni, you getting this new job.’
‘Mum, please.’
‘Well, it’s true, love. Evie needs some stability at this point. She needs you to be there, not chasing a career all over again.’
‘I wouldn’t call a few part-time hours a week “chasing a career”,’ I snapped. ‘There are bills to pay and I take Evie to school every day, which is more than some mums are able to do.’
‘Yes but their kids haven’t been through what Evie has been through, Toni. You need to—’
‘Mum.’ I cut her dead. ‘Just leave it. Please.’