We stared each other out in silence.
My heart thumped, my ears rang and my face burned. But job or no job, I’d made my mind up. I wasn’t going to be bullied into baring my soul. Not here, in front of people I’d only just met.
Dale coughed and fiddled with his copy of my CV.
‘You’ve certainly got a wealth of experience, Toni,’ he said approvingly. ‘On both sides of the business, too. Sales and lettings.’
I broke eye contact with Bryony and nodded at Dale, grateful for his intervention.
‘I enjoy working in both areas,’ I said. ‘I know this opening is for the lettings side, but I’m happy to be flexible.’
‘But you’re aware this is the assistant’s position?’ Bryony frowned. ‘Isn’t this job rather a step down for someone with your experience?’
‘It’s true I’ve had a wide range of experience, but less responsibility suits me better at this point in my life.’
The heat in my face seemed to be building. I wished I had a glass of water and that they’d open the door behind me, to let a little air circulate through the stuffy space.
‘You mentioned a daughter. Is she at school now?’ Bryony asked. ‘I assume you have flexible childcare arrangements in place, because there are occasions you might be asked to work late or come in a few hours early in busy periods.’
I opened my mouth to answer her and then closed it again.
Would she have asked a male candidate that question? A twisty heat begin to simmer in my chest.
‘Let’s remember this position is only part-time, Bryony,’ said Dale. ‘I’m sure Toni would be willing to be flexible if required.’
‘Of course,’ I replied, looking at Dale and avoiding Bryony’s incisive stare.
They asked me a few more questions.
What kind of pay was I looking for? Did I have any pre-existing holidays booked? When could I start?
‘No holidays and I could start tomorrow,’ I said quickly. ‘If you wanted someone that soon. And I’m flexible regarding pay.’
‘We do have another candidate to consider,’ Bryony said quickly. ‘So we’ll let you know our decision later today.’
Dale looked at her sharply and, for a second, something resembling irritation burned in his eyes. Then it was gone.
‘Thank you so much for coming, Toni.’ He stood up and began walking to the door. ‘I’ll show you out.’
‘Nice to meet you,’ I said to the top of Bryony’s head as she scribbled something in her notepad.
‘Yes.’ She looked up and pulled her mouth into a shape that fell somewhere between a smile and a grimace. ‘Thank you for coming.’
Back in the shop, there were more prospective customers browsing the properties and I saw that the agent, a woman, was still sitting at her desk dealing with clients.
Dale insisted on checking he had the right telephone number to reach me on.
‘I’ll definitely be in touch later.’ He glanced around and dropped his voice lower. ‘Just between you and me, we’d be fools not to snap you up, all those years of experience.’
Reading between the lines, it felt like his words were weighted and he was trying to tell me I had the job. But knowing me, I was probably imagining it, so I swept it aside.
We shook hands and, for the first time since the interview started, I felt a little lighter.
As I stepped outside and turned to pull the door closed behind me, I saw Bryony leaning against the wall in the hallway, watching me leave with narrowed eyes.
21
Present Day
Queen’s Medical Centre
Dr Shaw shines a light directly into my eyes.
I squint hard against the brightness, but regardless of what I do, my eyes remain motionless; wide open and staring.
The doctor bends down closer, humming softly as she peers at my pupils and then stretches each eyelid wide.
I can see the large, open pores in her nose and chin and it reminds me that I had a tub of face cream in my bathroom cabinet at home that was supposed to close the pores up, so you looked younger. She ought to use something like that.
I wonder how old Dr Shaw is – I’d say maybe early forties. Somehow, I can’t imagine her with kids. Maybe she has a husband who is also a doctor. They might meet up after work and then cook a meal together to unwind when they get home.
It’s far more likely they grab a sandwich and fall fast asleep after work, knackered from attending to hopeless cases like me all day long.
If only they had a machine that could translate the anxious thoughts that fill my brain. I could tell them how Evie was taken from me, beg them to help me find her before it’s too late.
Every day I remember a little more. I’m putting together the pieces of how it happened, of how she disappeared.
Sometimes it’s hard to know if my memories are real or just imagined.
Dr Shaw’s face hovers close to mine and I catch the slightest trace of smoke on her breath that she has tried, unsuccessfully, to disguise with a mint.
I blink at her in a mad flurry but the connection inside me is broken and nothing happens.
‘So, how’s Matt?’ I hear Dr Chance say from across the room. He is out of my limited range of partial vision. His voice is deep and sincere but I think I might detect a hint of amusement in his tone.
‘Oh, you know, overworked and underpaid like the rest of us.’ Dr Shaw squeezes a pipette and a drop of cool, soothing fluid slides onto my dry eyeball. Her face instantly blurs above me. ‘Actually, he’s still planning our escape to the country.’
‘And will you go?’ Dr Chance asks. ‘Open that B&B you’ve always talked about?’
‘No.’ I watch a shadow settle over Dr Shaw’s features. ‘It’s Matt’s pipe dream and I’m guilty of indulging him. We’ve no equity in the house and without jobs it’s nothing but a fantasy.’
Do it, I tell her in a bold, urgent tone. Open your B&B, breathe in the clean, fresh air. Get away from the rat race and live the life you want, while you still can.
‘Oh!’ She snatches back her hand from above my eye.
‘What is it?’ I hear Dr Chance’s shoes clip briskly across the floor and now there are two faces peering down at me, hovering in front of my eyes.
His features are rugged with a faint shadow of stubble. His nose looks slightly off-centre, as though it might’ve been broken when he was younger. Flinty, grey eyes look down on me with vague but genuine concern.
I can see you! I cry out.
I stretch my mouth wide, blink my eyelids, wrinkle my nose.
They continue to stare down impassively.
Dr Shaw frowns. ‘I don’t know. For a second I thought there was something there.’
‘Did she move?’
‘No, it was just – I saw this sort of gleam in her eyes, that’s the only way I can describe it. It was odd.’
Yes! Behind it all, I am still here. My eyes gleamed. They did!
‘It’s probably just the pupils contracting with the serum,’ Dr Chance says, staring down at me without expression. ‘Or a trick of the light.’
Look again! I shout. Please, look again.
‘You’re probably right.’ She tilts her head, studying me. Still reluctant to look away. ‘For a second it just felt there was some sort of presence there, behind her eyes, you know?’
‘We all want to believe that,’ Dr Chance says, stepping away. ‘It’s hard to accept the loss of life, when the patient looks so normal.’
‘You’re right,’ she says, finally looking away from me. ‘But in some ways, I suppose anything is better than this.’ Her eyes flick back to me and she squeezes them shut briefly, before opening them again. ‘It sounds harsh, but death has got to be better than barely existing.’
22
Three Years Earlier
Toni
I stepped out of Gregory’s Property Services and into the street. I felt a little better after inhaling a few deep breaths of fresh air. Being cooped up in that tiny office, under pressure, had been testing to say the least.