I hear both Lee and Molly laugh, but I keep my eyes pinned to the stone in front of me.
“I miss you, Jack.” I tell the stone. “I miss you, but that’s okay. It doesn’t hurt anymore.” Lee’s hand moves and I feel him reach out to grab the hand that isn’t playing with his hair. I can’t stop my movements. Touching Lee, having that, is keeping me grounded right now. “Molly is so big. The top of her head hits Lee right at his belt. She does this really cute thing when she sees him in uniform—he’s a cop, you know—and thinks it’s hilarious that she can’t give him a hug with his belt on because all of his special police stuff whomps her in the head.” I take a deep breath, calming my racing heart and hopefully stopping my rambling. “Anyway. I’m happy, Jack. So happy that sometimes I think my heart is going to burst right out of my body. I get these waves in my stomach when Lee’s around and sometimes I feel like I might puke,” I stop when I feel Lee’s body moving as he laughs. “What?”
“Darlin’, not sure it’s a good thing I make you want to puke,” he laughs.
“Mommy that’s icky,” Molly chimes in.
I roll my eyes at the stone and continue. “Anyway. I feel, Jack, I feel so much and for a long while I didn’t feel anything. You left and I just felt emptiness and pain. Now it’s like I feel everything, but those feelings are amplified. It’s so beautiful.”
The headstone doesn’t reply. The breeze around us picks up and I smile into the wind.
“I love you, Jack. You gave me and Molly a beautiful life and even though you had to leave us, that beautiful life turned into a beautiful forever.”
Lee’s hand gives me another squeeze and I lose my hold on his hair when he stands, taking Molly up with him. His arm goes around my shoulders and when I’m pulled into his side, I wrap my arms around him. In the end, both Molly and I have Lee in the circle of our arms as he holds us tight.
“You gave me the world, Jack. I can never thank you enough for that kind of gift. Rest easy.”
Molly looks away from Lee when he finishes and whispers toward the stone, “I love you, Daddy.”
And with dry eyes watching the wind quiet, I tell my husband goodbye. “We love you, forever, Jack. We’ll miss you just as long. I know somewhere up there you’re smiling huge and loving the fact that I’m living a life that’s full and I promise you that I will take each day head on looking forward to that beauty.”
When we turn to walk back to Lee’s truck, not once do any one of us let our hold slip.
“DON’T BE NERVOUS,” LEE TELLS me, tightening his hold on my clammy hand.
“What’s that mean?” Molly asks from her perch in Lee’s other arm.
“Your mommy has so many butterflies in her belly she’s about to squeeze off my fingers, her hand’s holding mine so tight. So many little ticklish butterflies in her belly,” Lee’s deep voice rumbles in response.
“Why did you put butterflies in there, Mommy?” her melodious voice chirps, easing some of my nerves.
I turn my head, looking away from the front door of Lee’s family home, and before looking at my beautiful daughter; I stare at the strong man holding her. His warm gaze bringing a deep breath to my lungs that washes over me like a calming touch.
“Lee,” my voice sounds in hushed tones.
“I asked you a while ago to just take my hand, darlin’, I wasn’t just asking you to do the action. It was my nonverbal promise to you that I wouldn’t let go. Each step forward, we do together. I’m here and I’m not letting go. You’ve got not one thing to be nervous about, but I understand why you are. They’re going to love you and they’re going to love Molly. Not just because I love you both, but also because if anyone knows what it feels like to overcome from pain to find beauty, it’s my parents. Trust me, okay?”
His hand gives me a squeeze and even though I still feel some of those nerves, he’s right. I’ve never been given a reason to question that.
“She’s got princess shoes,” Molly whispers in Lee’s ear loud enough that I move my eyes from his, up to hers and then follow them forward to see his mom standing in the doorway, wringing her own hands in front of her nervously.
Of course I know who his parents are. In the last two years of me being pulled into the fold, I’ve been to a few gatherings where all the parents were also in attendance. I also know that she’s Dani’s mom’s best friend and has been for years and years before they had Dani and Lee, thus the reason that Dani and Lee were destined to be best friends even before birth.
But besides the small smile in passing, I’ve never spoken to either of them.
Add to that the small fact that their son has fallen in love with a woman with baggage of a widowed mom.
A woman, that until about five months ago, hasn’t been able to see the beauty in life past her guilt filled grief.