“I don’t know.” She shrugged, looking down at her faded yoga pants and T-shirt. “It’s just . . . I’ve haven’t looked the best lately, and I’ve spent a good majority of time nauseous or throwing up. I feel like we’re back to the way it used to be . . . you know, before—”
I clutched her face in my palms, centering her gaze, so I had her attention.
“I understand this is a part of the pregnancy process—issues with body changes—but believe me, Lailah, you couldn’t be more beautiful to me if you tried. Nothing will ever change that—not now and not six months from now when you’re as round as a house. I’ll only see you.”
Her eyes watered, and I knew I’d reached her.
“You think I’ll be as round as a house?”
“If I have anything to do with it.” I grinned just as the doorbell chimed. “You never said who was visiting,” I said.
She rushed to the door. It swung open, and I heard Grace’s high-pitched squeal.
“Never mind,” I uttered to myself.
“I know this isn’t permanent, but can I just tell you how much I love being able to see you whenever I want again? It’s amazing!”
I watched the two of them hug, giggling like schoolgirls. Lailah helped Grace through the door. Bogged down with a diaper bag and an infant, she looked like her tiny legs might buckle at any moment.
“Here, why don’t I take Zander while you give Grace the tour?” I offered.
They both looked at me, wide-eyed, in surprise.
“What?” I asked.
“Well, it’s just . . . I don’t think you’ve ever offered to hold him,” Grace confessed.
“I have to.”
Both females blankly looked at me.
“At least once?”
Two heads shook back and forth simultaneously.
“Okay, fine. Well, there’s a first time for everything. I mean, how hard could it be?”
Lailah and Grace gave each other a knowing grin, and I watched Grace drop the diaper bag to the ground.
“He’s all yours!” she exclaimed, giving a wink in Lailah’s direction. “Let’s go take that really lengthy tour.”
My hands wrapped around his squishy center as I carefully gripped the tiny human in my arms. Zander had already celebrated his first birthday, so this would be easy. It wasn’t like he was fragile anymore. Hell, the kid was practically an adult by now.
I held him out an arm’s length, and the two of us stared at one another.
“Hi,” I said.
His eyebrows rose, giving me a look that said he clearly knew I had no idea what I was doing.
He’d already figured me out.
Shit, I’m screwed.
I had no idea what to do with him, so I decided we’d take a little walk of our own. Awkwardly, I pulled him closer, feeling his chubby hand grip my tatted forearm.
“You like that?”
His eyes intensely wandered over the black ink while his small fingers scooted along my skin. Finally, he looked back up at me and babbled a string of incoherent baby nonsense.
I laughed. “Oh, yeah? Fond of the ink, huh? I’ll keep that between us men. Don’t want your mom thinking I’ve corrupted you already.”
Unlocking the sliding door with my free hand, I stepped out on the wide deck, feeling the warm breeze of early spring hit our faces. Zander’s finger pointed toward the water, and he clapped in glee.
“I like it, too.”
I looked down at him as he took in the view, his big blue eyes darting from left to right. His face lit up when he spotted a dog playing in the water with his owner. My fingers went to his face, brushing against his soft skin, as I inhaled his clean scent.
I’d never given much thought to the possibility of being a father.
When it had been just Megan and me, it had always been something we’d do later, in the future. We were supposed to have forever, so the idea of kids really never came up. I guessed it was just something both of us had figured we’d naturally fall into one day.
When Lailah had come into my life—well, she was all I needed. It wasn’t a feeling of losing or giving anything up. When I was with her, I felt complete. But now, there was more, and I still couldn’t wrap my mind around the idea that I could possibly deserve it all.
That was why I couldn’t shake the nervousness that constantly lingered in the corners of my mind.
When would all of this come crashing down on me like a house of cards?
Would I ever hold my child like this? Cradle him in my arms as we looked out at the ocean, listening to his mother entertain guests?
God, I hoped so.
As the sun began to sink beneath the horizon, the two of us continued to chill out on the deck. We watched surfers as Zander spoke to me about the many adventures he’d been on in his short life—or at least, that was what I assumed he was talking about. He squished my face and laughed.
“Wow, this place is great!” Grace announced, stepping out onto the patio with Lailah.
They both had drinks in their hands, and as they took their seats, Lailah offered me a soda.
“So, how was your alone time with Zander?” she asked before taking a sip of water as she leaned back in her seat.
“Great,” I gloated. “This kid loves me.”
“Oh, please. He was just being easy on you because he saw newbie written all over your face,” Grace replied.