“Lina! Jonas!” yelled Mother, leaning out of the train.
The officer pointed his gun at Mother, signaling for her to be quiet. He then circled around us, his boots coming closer with each turn.
I felt Jonas edge up beside me. I tightened my fist, hoping the guard wouldn’t see Papa’s ring. “We dropped some things down the bathroom hole,” I lied, lifting up the bundle. Mother translated my words into Russian for the guard.
The officer looked at the socks on top of the heap I was holding. He grabbed Jonas and began searching his pockets. I thought of the ham in my dress. How could I explain a slice of ham in my pocket when we were all so hungry? The guard shoved us both to the ground. He waved his rifle around our faces, yelling in Russian. I huddled near Jonas, staring down the barrel of his gun. I closed my eyes. Please, no. He kicked gravel at our legs and then spat, “Davai!” pointing toward the train car.
Mother’s face was ashen. She did a poor job of hiding her fear this time. Her hands trembled and she was nearly panting. “You could have been killed!”
“We’re okay, Mother,” announced Jonas. His voice shook. “We went to find Papa.”
“Where is Andrius?” Mrs. Arvydas looked over our shoulders.
“He came with us,” I said.
“But where is he?” she demanded.
“He wanted to look for his father,” I said.
“His father?” She sighed deeply. “Why doesn’t he believe me? I’ve told him again and again that his father...” She turned around and began to cry.
I realized I had made a great mistake. I should not have left Andrius behind.
“We found him, Mother. We found Papa,” said Jonas.
People crowded toward us. They wanted to know how many men were on the train and if we saw their loved ones.
“He said he thinks we’re going to Siberia,” Jonas reported. “And he gave us some ham. The three of us ate it, but we saved a piece for you. Lina, give Mother the piece of ham.”
I reached in my pocket and handed the piece of ham to Mother.
She saw it, the ring on my thumb.
“In case you need money,” I said. “He said you could sell it.”
“And he said to remember the oak tree,” said Jonas.
Mother took the ring off of my thumb and put it to her lips. She began to cry.
“Don’t cry, Mother,” said Jonas.
“Girl!” shouted the bald man. “What else did you bring to eat?”
“Lina, give this piece of ham to Mr. Stalas,” said Mother, sniffing. “He’s hungry.”
Mr. Stalas. The bald man had a name. I moved toward him. His withered arms were green and purple with bruises. I held out the piece of ham.
“That’s your mother’s,” he said. “What else do you have?”
“That’s all he gave me.”
“How many cars were on that train?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “Maybe twenty.”
“He said we’re going to Siberia?”
“Yes.”
“He’s probably right, your father,” he said.
Mother’s crying subsided. I held out the piece of ham again.
“That’s your mother’s,” said the bald man. “Make sure she eats it. I don’t like ham anyway. Now leave me alone.”
“He wouldn’t come with us,” my brother explained to Mrs. Arvydas. “He and Lina started fighting and he said he was going to check more cars.”
“We weren’t fighting,” I interrupted.
“If they find him wandering around and discover he is the son of an officer—” said Mrs. Arvydas. She hid her face in her hands.
The gray-haired man shook his head and wound his watch.
I felt guilty. Why didn’t I stay with Andrius or insist he come back with us? I looked out of the train car, hoping to see him.
Two Soviets pulled a priest down the platform. His hands were bound and his cassock was dirty. Why a priest? But then... why any of us?
13
THE SUN ROSE and the temperature in the car climbed quickly. The wet smell of feces and urine hovered over us like a filthy blanket. Andrius had not returned, and Mrs. Arvydas wept so hard it scared me. I felt sick with guilt.
A guard approached the car and handed up a bucket of water and a bucket of slop.
Everyone surged toward the buckets. “Wait,” said Miss Grybas, as if she were directing her class. “We must all take just a bit, to ensure everyone can eat.”
The slop resembled gray animal feed. Some children refused to eat it.
Jonas found the package from Mother’s cousin Regina. Inside was a small blanket, a sausage, and a coffee cake. Mother shared the food, giving small pieces to everyone. The baby continued to wail. Ona twisted and screamed right along with the child, who still refused to eat and looked a darker shade of pink.
Hours passed. Andrius didn’t return. Mother sat down next to me. “How did your father look?” she asked, smoothing my braids and putting her arm around my shoulder.
“Not too bad,” I lied. I put my head on her shoulder. “Why are they taking us? Is it really because Papa works at the university? That doesn’t make sense.”
The bald man groaned.
“See, like him,” I whispered. “He’s not a teacher. He’s a stamp collector and he’s being deported,” I said.
“He’s not just a stamp collector,” said Mother under her breath. “Of that I am certain. He knows too much.”
“What does he know?”
Mother sighed, shaking her head. “Stalin has a plan, my love. The Kremlin will do anything to see it through. You know that. He wants Lithuania for the Soviet Union, so he’s moving us out temporarily.”
“But why us?” I asked. “They already moved into Lithuania last year. Isn’t that enough?”
“It’s not just us, dear. I imagine he’s doing the same to Latvia, Estonia, and Finland. It’s complicated,” said Mother. “Try to rest.”
I was exhausted but couldn’t sleep. I wondered if my cousin Joana was also on a train somewhere. Maybe she was near Papa. Papa said I could help him, but how could I help him if we were really going to Siberia? I dozed off, thinking of Andrius, trying to see his face.
As I walked by the piece, my feet stopped. The face. It was enchanting, like nothing I had ever seen. It was a charcoal portrait of a young man. The corners of his lips turned up, yet despite his smile, the pain on his face made my eyes well with tears. The subtleties within his hair blended so softly, yet created strong variation. I stepped closer to inspect. Flawless. How did he achieve such sheer shade without so much as a pause or a fingerprint? Who was the artist, and who was the young man? I looked at the signature. Munch.
“Young lady, follow the group, please. That’s part of a different exhibit,” said our guide.
Some of the students had complained earlier. How could they complain about a field trip to the art museum? I had been looking forward to it for months.
The guide’s shoes clacked down the tile floor. My body moved forward, but my head remained fixed on the drawing, fixed on the face. I rubbed my fingers together. A light touch, yes, but with confidence. I couldn’t wait to try it.
I sat at the desk in my bedroom. I felt the charcoal vibrate slightly as I pushed it across the page. The sound it made against the paper gave me chills. I bit my bottom lip. I ran my middle finger along the edge, softening the harsh line. Not quite, but almost.
I pushed the tip of my finger through the dirt on the floor, drawing his name. Munch. I would recognize his art anywhere. And Papa would recognize mine. That’s what he meant. He could find me if I left a trail of drawings.
14
WHEN I WOKE, the car was dark. I moved to the front and hung my head over the side for air. My hair swung away from my neck. A rush of air swirled around my face, and I breathed deeply. Gravel crunched. I snapped my head up, expecting to see a guard. No one was there. The gravel shifted again. I dropped my head back down, looking under the train. A dark figure huddled near the wheel. I squinted, trying to focus in the low light. A bloody hand lifted toward me, shaking. I pulled back before realizing.