“You’re sorry?” He snorted in disbelief, tucking the bottle under his arm and rubbing his gloves together. “My mother, she was Polish. She died when I was five. My father is Russian. He remarried a Russian when I was six. My mother wasn’t even cold a year. Some of my mother’s relatives are in Kolyma. I was supposed to go there, to help them. That’s why I wanted to leave the barge in Jakutsk. But now I’m here. So, you’re not the only one who is in prison.”
He took another long swig of the bottle. “You want to steal wood, Vilkas?” He opened his arms. “Steal wood.” He waved his hand toward the pile. “Davai.”
My ears burned. My eyelids stung from the cold. I walked to the woodpile.
“The woman my father married, she hates me, too. She hates Poles.”
I took a log. He didn’t stop me. I began to pile wood. I heard a sound. Kretzsky’s back was turned, the bottle hanging from his hand. Was he sick? I took a step away with the logs. I heard it again. Kretzsky wasn’t sick. He was crying.
Leave, Lina. Hurry! Take the wood. Just go. I took a step, to leave him. Instead, my legs walked toward him, still holding the wood. What was I doing? The sound coming from Kretzsky was uncomfortable, stifled.
“Nikolai.”
He didn’t look at me.
I stood there, silent. “Nikolai.” I reached out from under the wood. I put a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry,” I finally said.
We stood in the darkness, saying nothing.
I turned to leave him.
“Vilkas.”
I turned.
“I’m sorry for your mother,” he said.
I nodded. “Me, too.”
83
I HAD PLAYED through scenarios of how I would get back at the NKVD, how I would stomp on the Soviets if I ever had a chance. I had a chance. I could have laughed at him, thrown wood at him, spit in his face. The man threw things at me, humiliated me. I hated him, right? I should have turned and walked away. I should have felt good inside. I didn’t. The sound of his crying physically pained me. What was wrong with me?
I told no one of the incident. The next day, Kretzsky was gone.
February arrived. Janina was fighting scurvy. The man who wound his watch had dysentery. Mrs. Rimas and I tended to them as best we could. Janina spoke to her dead dolly for hours, sometimes yelling or laughing. After a few days she stopped speaking.
“What are we to do?” I said to Jonas. “Janina’s getting sicker by the minute.”
He looked at me.
“What is it?” I said.
“I have the spots again,” he said.
“Where? Let me see.”
The scurvy spots had reappeared on Jonas’s stomach. Clumps of his hair had fallen out.
“There are no tomatoes this time,” said Jonas. “Andrius isn’t here.” He started shaking his head.
I grabbed my brother by the shoulders. “Jonas, listen to me. We are going to live. Do you hear me? We’re going home. We’re not going to die. We’re going home to our house, and we’re going to sleep in our beds with the goose-down comforters. We will. All right?”
“How will we live alone, without Mother and Papa?” he asked.
“Auntie and Uncle. And Joana. They’ll help. We’ll have Auntie’s apple cakes and doughnuts with jam inside. The ones you like, okay? And Andrius will help us.”
Jonas nodded.
“Say it. Say, ‘We’re going home.’”
“We’re going home,” repeated Jonas.
I hugged him, kissing the scabbed bald spot on his head. “Here.” I took the stone from Andrius out of my pocket and held it up to Jonas. He seemed dazed and didn’t take the stone.
My stomach sank. What would I do? I had no medicine. Everyone was ill. Would I be the only one left, alone with the bald man?
We took turns going for rations. I begged at other jurtas as Mother had done on the beet farm. I walked into a jurta. Two women sat amongst four people who were covered as if sleeping. They were all dead.
“Please, don’t tell,” they pleaded. “We want to bury them once the storm ends. If the NKVD discover they’re dead, they’ll throw them out into the snow.”
“I won’t tell,” I assured them.
The storm raged. The sound of the wind echoed between my stinging ears. The wind blew so cold, like white fire. I fought my way back to our jurta. Bodies, stacked like firewood, were covered in snow outside the huts. The man who wound his watch hadn’t returned.
“I’ll go look for him,” I said to Mrs. Rimas.
“He could barely walk,” said the bald man. “He probably went to the closest jurta when the winds came. Don’t risk it.”
“We have to help one another!” I told him. But how could I expect him, of all people, to understand?
“You need to stay here. Jonas is not well.” Mrs. Rimas looked over to Janina.
“Her mother?” I asked.
“I took her to the typhus hut,” whispered Mrs. Rimas.
I sat next to my brother. I rearranged the rags and fishing nets he was covered with.
“I’m so tired, Lina,” he said. “My gums hurt and my teeth ache.”
“I know. As soon as the storm ends, I’ll search for some food. You need fish. There’s plenty of it, barrels. I just need to steal some.”
“I’m s-so cold,” said Jonas, shivering. “And I can’t straighten my legs.”
I heated chunks of brick and put them under his feet. I took a brick to Janina. Scurvy bruisings spotted her face and neck. The tip of her tiny nose was black with frostbite.
I kept the fire going. It did little to help. I could use only a small amount of wood, to save what we had. I didn’t know how long this storm would last. I looked at the empty spot where my mother had lain, Janina’s mother, the man who wound his watch, the repeater. Large gaps had appeared on the floor of the jurta.
I lay next to Jonas, covering him with my body as we had done for Mother. I wrapped my arms around him, holding his hands in mine. The wind slapped against our disintegrating jurta. Snow blew in around us.
It couldn’t end like this. It couldn’t. What was life asking of me? How could I respond when I didn’t know the question?
“I love you,” I whispered to Jonas.
84
THE STORM DREW back a day later. Jonas could barely speak. My joints were locked, as if frozen.
“We have to work today,” said Mrs. Rimas. “We need rations, wood.”
“Yes,” agreed the bald man.
I knew they were right. But I wasn’t sure I had the strength. I looked over at Jonas. He lay completely still on a plank, his cheeks hollow, his mouth agape. Suddenly, his eyes opened with a void stare.
“Jonas?” I said, sitting up quickly.
A loud commotion stirred outside. I heard male voices and shouting. Jonas’s legs moved slightly. “It’s okay,” I told him, trying to warm his feet.
The door to our jurta flew open. A man leaned in. He wore civilian clothing—a fur-lined coat and a thick, full hat.
“Any sick in here?” he said in Russian.
“Yes!” said Mrs. Rimas. “We’re sick. We need help.”
The man walked in. He carried a lantern.
“Please,” I said. “My brother and this little girl have scurvy. And we can’t find one of our friends.”
The man made his way over to Jonas and Janina. He exhaled, letting out a string of Russian expletives. He yelled something. An NKVD stuck his head in the door.
“Fish!” he commanded. “Raw fish for these little ones, immediately. Who else is sick?” He looked at me.
“I’m okay,” I said.
“What’s your name?”
“Lina Vilkas.”
“How old are you?”
“Sixteen.”
He surveyed the situation. “I’m going to help you, but there are hundreds sick and dead. I need assistance. Are there any doctors or nurses in camp?”
“No, only a veterinarian. But—” I stopped. Maybe he was dead.
“A veterinarian? That’s all?” He looked down, shaking his head.
“We can help,” said Mrs. Rimas. “We can walk.”
“What about you, old man? I need teams of people to make soup and cut fish. These children need ascorbic acid.”
He had asked the wrong person. The bald man wouldn’t help anyone. Not even himself.
He raised his head. “Yes, I will help,” said the bald man.
I looked at him. He stood up.
“I will help, as long as we tend to these children first,” said the bald man, pointing to Jonas and Janina.
The doctor nodded, kneeling to Jonas.
“Will the NKVD allow you to help us?” I asked the doctor.
“They have to. I am an inspection officer. I could make a report to the tribunal. They want me to leave and report that everything is fine here, that I saw nothing out of the ordinary. That’s what they expect.”