She laughed weakly. “We’re going to bathe. We’ll be able to bathe!”
We scurried toward a large wooden bathhouse. Mother’s stride had steadied. We were divided at the gate into male and female groups.
“Wait for us,” Mother told Jonas.
We were instructed to take off our clothes and give them to Siberian men working at the door. All modesty dissolved. The women quickly undressed. They wanted to be clean. I looked down, hesitating.
“Hurry, Lina!”
I didn’t want them to touch me, to look at me. My arms folded over my breasts.
Mother spoke to one of the men. “He says we must hurry, that this is a travel stop. A large group is coming later today. He says that Latvians, Estonians, and Ukranians have already passed through,” said Mother. “It’s okay, darling, really.”
The men didn’t seem to be paying any attention. Of course not. Our shrunken bodies appeared almost androgynous. I hadn’t had a period in months. Nothing about me felt feminine. A piece of pork or a foamy beer would be more alluring to men.
After our showers, we were put on a truck with our belongings. They drove us several kilometers through the woods until we arrived at the bank of the Angara River.
“Why are we here?” asked Jonas.
Large wooden sheds dotted the bank. Tucked near the trees was a large NKVD building.
“They’re putting us on boats. Don’t you see? We’re going to America. America!” said the repeater. “We’re traveling up the Angara to the Lena and then across the sea to the Bering Strait. The Bering Strait.”
“That journey would take months,” said the man who wound his watch.
America? How could we leave Papa behind in a prison in Krasnoyarsk? How would I get my drawings to him? And what about the war? What if other countries became allies with Stalin? I saw Andrius’s face, when he told me we were on the list. Something about his expression told me we weren’t going to America.
66
THE BOATS WERE delayed. We waited on the stony banks of the Angara River for more than a week. They fed us barley porridge. I couldn’t figure out why they were feeding us more than bread. It was not out of kindness. Our strength would be needed, but what for? We sat in the sun, as if on vacation. I drew for Papa and wrote to Andrius every day. I drew on small scraps of paper so as not to be noticed and hid them between the pages of Dombey and Son. An Estonian woman noticed me drawing and gave me additional paper.
We hauled logs, but only for our nightly bonfires. We sat around the crackling fires and sang Lithuanian songs. The entire forest echoed in song from the people of the Baltics singing of their homeland. Two women were chosen to travel to Tcheremchov by train to help carry supplies back for the NKVD. They mailed our letters for us.
“Please, could you take this to Tcheremchov and pass it along to someone?” I handed a slat of wood to the woman.
“It’s lovely. The flowers—you’ve done a beautiful job. I had rue flowers in my backyard at home,” she said, sighing. She looked up at me. “Your father is in Krasnoyarsk?”
I nodded.
“Lina, please don’t get your hopes up. Krasnoyarsk is a long way from here,” said Mother.
One day, after sitting in the sun, Mother and I waded into the Angara. We ran out of the water, laughing. Our clothes clung tightly to our thin bodies.
“Cover yourself!” said Jonas, looking around.
“What do you mean?” said Mother, pulling at the wet fabric clinging to her.
“They’re watching,” said Jonas, motioning with his head to the NKVD.
“Jonas, they have no interest. Look at us. We’re hardly glamorous,” said Mother, wringing water from her hair. I wrapped my arms around my torso.
“They found Mrs. Arvydas interesting. Maybe he finds you interesting,” said Jonas.
Mother’s hands dropped. “What are you talking of? Who?”
“Nikolai,” said Jonas.
“Kretzsky?” I said. “What about him?”
“Ask Mother,” said Jonas.
“Stop it, Jonas. We don’t know Nikolai,” said Mother.
I faced Mother. “Why do you call him Nikolai? How do you know his name?”
Mother looked from me to Jonas. “I asked him his name,” she said.
My stomach dropped. Was Jonas right? “But Mother, he’s a monster,” I said, wiping water from the scar on my forehead.
She moved in closer, wringing out her skirt. “We don’t know what he is.”
I snorted. “He’s a—”
Mother grabbed my arm. Pain shot up into my shoulder. She spoke through clenched teeth. “We don’t know. Do you hear me? We don’t know what he is. He’s a boy. He’s just a boy.” Mother let go of my arm. “And I’m not lying with him,” she spat at Jonas. “How dare you imply such a thing.”
“Mother...,” stammered Jonas.
She walked away, leaving me rubbing my arm.
Jonas stood, shocked by Mother’s outburst.
67
FOR WEEKS, THE BARGES crept farther north up the Angara. We disembarked and rode for days in the back of black trucks through dense forests. We passed enormous fallen trees, with trunks so large the truck could have driven inside them. I saw no human beings. The dark forest seemed to surround us, impenetrable. Where were they taking us? We broiled each day and shivered at night. Blisters healed. We ate everything given to us, thankful we weren’t put to work.
The trucks arrived at Ust Kut, on the River Lena. We waited once again for barges. The bank of the Lena was blanketed with tiny pebbles. It poured rain. The makeshift tents on the bank did nothing to shelter us. I lay on top of my suitcase, protecting Dombey and Son, the stone, my drawings, and our family photo. Janina stood in the rain. She stared at the sky, carrying on conversations with no one. Kretzsky’s boots crunched up and down the bank. He yelled at us to stay in groups. At night, he’d stand staring at the silvery ribbon of moonlight on the Lena, moving only to bring his glowing cigarette to his lips.
My Russian improved. Jonas was still far ahead of me.
After two weeks, the barges arrived and the NKVD once again boarded us to float north.
We left Ust Kut and passed Kirensk.
“We’re traveling north,” said Jonas. “Maybe we really will sail for America.”
“And leave Papa behind?” I asked.
Jonas looked out at the water. He said nothing.
The repeater spoke of nothing but America. He tried to draw maps of the United States, discussing details he had heard from friends or relatives. He needed to believe it was possible.
“In America there are excellent universities in an area they call New England. They say New York is quite fashionable,” said Joana.
“Who says New York is fashionable?” I asked.
“My parents.”
“What do they know of America?” I asked.
“Mother has an uncle there,” said Joana.
“I thought all of Auntie’s family was in Germany,” I said.
“Apparently she has a relative in America. She gets letters from him. He’s in Pennsylvania.”
“Hmph. I don’t much care for America. They certainly lack for art. I can’t name a single American artist who is accomplished.”
“You better not be drawing me,” said the bald man. “I don’t want any pictures drawn of me.”
“Actually, I’m almost finished,” I said, shading in the gray area of his spotted cheeks.
“Tear it up,” he insisted.
“No,” I said. “Don’t worry, I won’t show it to anyone.”
“You won’t, if you know what’s good for you.”
I looked down at my drawing. I had captured his curled lip and the surly expression he always wore. He wasn’t ugly. The deep lines above his brow just made him look cranky.
“Why were you deported?” I asked him. “You said you were a stamp collector. But why would they deport you for collecting stamps?”
“Mind your own business,” he said.
“Where is your family?” I pressed.
“I said it’s none of your business,” he snapped, pointing his crooked finger at me. “And if you know what’s best for you, you’ll keep your drawings out of sight, you hear me?”
Janina sat down next to me.
“You’ll never be a famous artist,” said the bald man.