‘He might still come back,’ Annabel said uncertainly.
‘Why the hell would you say that?’ Grace shouted. She caught Millie’s eye, and as she registered Millie’s alarm she made an effort to calm herself down. ‘Don’t you see, I can’t think like that any more. Because how long am I meant to wait? There are no rules as far as I can see. What’s the proper time for this? Two years? Five? Ten? I could spend the rest of my life waiting – what kind of miserable existence is that?’
There was silence, then James said, ‘Grace, I’m not sure that staying here is good for you if it’s making you feel like this.’
Grace threw her hands in the air. ‘I KNOW that, James! But what choice do I have? I have no major assets except a damned cottage I can’t sell, and I have to sort everything out properly for Millie’s sake. Adam did care about his daughter, whatever anyone says, and I want her at least to have some things of her father’s to remember him by. And that’s as far as I can think about it without going crazy.’
Annabel came over and began to rub Grace’s arm. ‘Let’s not talk about it any more. Let’s help you do what you need to, and try to enjoy Christmas. Time to move on, eh?’
Grace saw that Annabel was upset now. Her sister’s heartfelt sympathy took the fight out of her, and she buried her face in her hands. ‘I miss him,’ she said, confused and defeated, feeling her eyes filling with tears. At which James and Annabel both wrapped their arms around her, taking her weight, even if only for a moment.
Millie sat on her mother’s lap, as Grace turned the pages of a book and pointed to the pictures. Her mood was low, and she wondered if it would have been better had they gone to town with James and Annabel. But she needed to stop for a while and rest, particularly as she was heading out this evening. And she also wanted to spend some proper time with Millie. Grace knew she was physically meeting her daughter’s needs, but her mind was often elsewhere, and meanwhile Millie grew and changed every day. Grace wanted to absorb as much of this sweet little toddler as she could.
As she closed the book, there was an unexpected knock on the door. She jumped, startling Millie. ‘Who’s that?’ Grace asked as Millie stared impassively at her. She set the little girl on the floor with the book and went to find out.
Opening the door, she was greeted by a Christmas tree, standing alone in front of her, its branches flailing in the wind. ‘Did you knock?’ she asked the tree, then couldn’t help chuckling to herself.
‘Yes, we did.’ Ben peeped around from behind it. ‘I thought you might like this. If you don’t want it I’ll put it up instead, but I think it would go better in here. And I heard that you’d knocked down a wall to make room for it.’
Grace beamed at him. ‘That’s a great idea. Thank you!’
She stood back as Ben lifted the tree and swung it over the threshold, pushing it towards the front room. Millie looked up in awe, and Grace went to pick her up, while Ben asked, ‘Where do you want it?’
‘There is fine.’ Grace pointed towards an bare corner, and Ben manoeuvred it into place. ‘It’s a shame I don’t have any decorations for it, though.’
Ben dusted his hands off as he studied the bare branches. ‘Are you sure you don’t?’ he asked. ‘You’ve got a lot of boxes in this place, perhaps one of them has Christmas stuff in?’
‘You’re right,’ she said as she cuddled Millie. ‘I’ll have a look in the tops of them, see if I can find anything. I don’t think they’d have been in the attic – but perhaps there might be something in the cellar …’
They walked through the hallway to the cellar door. ‘Do you want me to take a look?’ Ben offered.
‘No, it’s fine. I know where the light switch is now.’
‘Shall I take Millie for you then?’
‘You can try,’ Grace replied, not really anticipating that Millie would allow it. But to her astonishment the little girl went willingly to Ben.
‘Right, then,’ she said, ruffling her daughter’s hair. ‘I won’t be a moment.’
She made her way down the steps. At the bottom she felt along the wall for the light switch and flicked it on. The place still depressed her, with its piles of debris and stacks of boxes, but she began to hunt around.
It was so cold down here. Everything she touched was icy, and Grace felt the chill creeping up her fingers and beginning to crawl along her arms. She came across Adam’s mementoes again, and remembered that he had brought them down here unbeknown to her. Perhaps I should have a more careful look at them, she thought, growing impatient. Then she spotted tinsel poking from the top of a small box. ‘I’ve got something!’ she called as she pulled it from the shelf, finding it was lighter than she’d expected.