“I stand by your side because this is where I’m meant to be. I stand by your side because you didn’t have the strength to hold yourself up. That’s what you do for the person you love. Right after the attack, we were so fresh, but I knew that our relationship was worth fighting for. For months, you would have nightmares, and every time you would wake up, it was my name you were screaming to help you. You aren’t messed up, Baby. You lived through something terrible, and you needed time to process that. Your mind needed time to heal. I’m not going to lie and tell you I wasn’t hurt when you pushed me away. I had just spent eight months at your side trying to be who you needed, but I understand that you had to find your own way.” He frames my face in his warm hands, his thumbs brushing the tears that are falling from my eyes in rapid succession.
“Every single time we would get back together, I thought for sure you were back, you would be ready for us. And I won’t lie. When I would wake up in the morning expecting to find you naked in my bed, only to meet cold sheets? That hurt. Then I would see you a few days later, and that pain would still be there like a neon sign in your eyes. That pain is gone now. Not even one trace of it is left. Even after all the stuff that went down in your office, it’s gone now. You need a little more time to figure it out for yourself? That’s fine, but you’re going to be doing it, with me, right here.” He bends down and presses the softest of kisses against my lips before pulling back and smiling. “Understand now?” I nod. “Good, now let’s eat.”
I sit lamely and eat my breakfast, because after all that, I’m positive I wouldn’t be able to form a word anyway, much less argue with him. Every single thing he just said is true. I don’t remember a lot of the early months after Brandon’s attack, but I do remember needing him like a life raft. And after all the running, the therapy, the fear, I can also feel that the webs I’ve been trapped in have cleared. It’s almost as if this recent attack has proven to me that I am strong enough to fight for my own happiness. Most importantly, I feel like it’s possible now.
****
After breakfast, I clean up our mess and continue to try processing what the hell just happened. Ever since his grand speech, my mind is spinning, and my heart is beating like a marching band has invaded my chest.
Can I forget everything I’ve ever thought? Is it possible that, maybe, I’ve just had the worst luck possible when it comes to men, and that he really is this perfect? Even the reasons I’ve used to push him away in my mind don’t hold true anymore. There’s no way that he could ever be like Brandon, that bastard. There is no way that he would ever treat me like my father treated my mother and me. All he’s ever shown me is love.
I put the last dish in the dishwasher and finish wiping down the counter. The only things I can do now is wait and see if I can convince my head that my heart has been right all along, and then take the leap. The only problem is, I’m just not sure if I can turn off the part of me that keeps thinking he’s better off without me and my many suitcases of emotional baggage.
I spend the rest of the day in my head. I know he’s giving me time to think and take in everything he said, because he hasn’t come out of his office since this morning. One thing I know for sure, if I’m going to do this, I need to let go of my past. That means that I need to finally have that conversation with my parents that I’ve been avoiding since I graduated high school. And I also need to have the one conversation with Izzy that I know might be the hardest one I need to face.
In order to give Beck all of me, I need to let go of the pain two men in my past have caused me. My father and Brandon.
With a new resolve and the clarity to make it happen, I call Izzy and make plans to meet tomorrow for lunch, and then I call my mother, only to leave a message with her staff requesting an appointment. She must have another new housekeeper because when I said my name she didn’t even know who I was. For the first time that I can remember, it doesn’t even hurt that my own parents have wiped my existence from their house.
I feel lighter than I have in years, and it feels liberating. When I look in the mirror and see my eyes shining with life, I feel hopeful that I might be able to face the past and win this time. Knowing that I have a one-man army standing at my back has me convinced that I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel I’ve been trapped in.
Later that night, when Beck finally comes out of the office for dinner, he takes one look at me, and I know he sees the change, because after he looks down at the floor for a few seconds, he looks back into my eyes with the biggest smile plastered on his face.
“Well… all right,” he says, giving me a hug just shy of painful.
Yeah, I can do this. For this man who has been fighting for us alone, I’m finally ready to start fighting with him.
“I didn’t expect to see you actually come into work. I was half tempted to just send these bastards to your house for the meeting today.” Axel’s laughing voice carries all the way down the hall when I walk into the office the next day.
I knew when I came in today that I would have to deal with comments like this; hell, I’ve been gone for almost a month, so they’ve been a long time in coming.
“Very funny. I’m here now, so let’s get started.”