“Just needed some time to get my shit straight,” I said.
Tyler smiled, seeming relieved at my choice of words. I was wearing the cream dress and tall, high-heeled suede boots Finley had sent. My hair fell in soft waves to the middle of my back, smoke free and clean. I looked very different from the last time he’d seen me, but he appeared reassured that I at least sounded the same.
The conveyor belt buzzed, alerting the passengers from the flight just before it began to move. They crowded around the baggage carousel.
“Here,” Tyler said, taking me by the hand and leading me closer. Bags were already tumbling to the long oval that surrounded the chute. My bag was the third, the handle wrapped in a bright red priority tag.
Tyler lifted the large luggage without effort, then extended the handle. “It’s a hike,” he said, apologetic.
“We’ve hiked together before.”
“Yes, we have,” he said with a smile. He was still nervous, quiet, as we made the journey to the parking garage. Denver International wasn’t the easiest airport to navigate, but Tyler was focused, getting me to his truck as quickly as he could.
Once he loaded my bag into the back seat, he opened my door and helped me climb in. My high-heeled boots made it difficult, but with one arm, Tyler lifted me into my seat.
He jogged around, hopped into his seat, and twisted the key in the ignition. He fussed with the air conditioner and then looked to me for approval.
“Yes, it’s good … I’m fine.”
Tyler backed out and navigated the maze of the parking garage until we saw daylight.
“So, uh,” he began. “Guess who’s going to be a daddy?”
I craned my neck at him, bracing myself.
“No! Oh fuck, no, not me. Taylor,” he said, laughing nervously. “Taylor’s going to be a daddy. I’m gonna be an uncle.”
I breathed out. “Great! That’s great. How exciting. Jim must be thrilled.”
“Yeah, he’s pretty stoked.”
I nodded, turning toward the window and closing my eyes, exhaling slowly. I’d been looking forward to seeing him for so long, and not knowing what to expect, I was already emotional and feeling frazzled. I tried to do the breathing exercises I’d learned while away.
The tires buzzed against the road, the tone sounding a bit higher when we reached the highway and Tyler kicked up the speed. Waiting for him to have the inevitable conversation about my sudden departure was too much pressure, so I decided to do it myself.
“Tyler…”
“Wait,” he said, wringing his hands on the steering wheel. “Let me explain.”
I swallowed, worried that it was going to be much worse than I had imagined the last eight weeks. Tyler had cast me aside, left me, broken my heart, and yelled at me a thousand different ways in my dreams. Now, all he had to do was show me which one would be our reality.
“I was pissed. I admit it,” he began. “But I didn’t know you’d gotten on a fucking plane. I’m an unbelievable dick, Ellie. I didn’t realize you were in such a low place. I don’t know what we’re doing, but if it’s just friends with benefits, I can’t even call myself a good friend. I should have seen it. I should have known.”
“How?” I said. “I didn’t even know.”
He was fidgeting, taking off his ball cap and pulling it low over his head, then lifting it again so he could properly see to drive. He rubbed the back of his neck, shifted in his seat, and adjusted the radio.
“Tyler,” I said. “Just say it. If it’s too much for you, I get it. It’s not your fault. I put you through a lot.”
He turned, shooting a glare in my direction, and then he pulled the truck over onto the shoulder of the highway, shoving the gearshift into park.
“You wind up on the filthy floor of a gas station bathroom. You kiss me goodbye, and then you just fucking disappear. I’ve been stuck on a mountain, worried sick, Ellison. I had no way to get to you, no way to call around to find out if you were even alive, and even then, I didn’t sleep because every phone call I made led nowhere.”
I closed my eyes. “I’m sorry. I’ve done a lot of selfish things, and I owe you more than one apology.”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I shouldn’t have left you at the apartment. I saw you struggling. You’ve been struggling for a while. I’ve taken you to a fucking bar, I pulled some strings to get you out of jail because you were drunk and looking for the fire, I’ve taken you to parties, and knew you were spiking your coffee at work … I’m your friend first, Ellie, and I’ve failed you on every level.”
Barb had explained to me the hurricane I would walk into when I was released from Passages. I wouldn’t only have to navigate my own guilt, but the guilt of everyone who loved me as well.