“Uh-huh,” I say.
“It’s not like that,” he says. “We just went for a run. It was nothing.”
“Whatever. It’s none of my business,” I say a little too emphatically. I don’t want to come across as bitter. The last thing I want to be is bitter.
“It’s not like that,” he says again. “Truly. It’s not.”
“Okay,” I say.
After a long pause, he says, “So. Was something on your mind when you came by?”
“No. I was just in the neighborhood and I thought I’d say hello.”
“Claudia. C’mon.”
“What?”
“Talk to me,” he says, his voice a near whisper.
My heart is pounding in my ears, and I can’t get any words out. Not that I know what to say anyway.
“Are you okay?” he says.
“Yeah. I’m fine,” I lie. “I just I don’t know.”
“Say it,” he says. “Tell me.”
“I don’t know I guess I was just wondering if we did the right thing?”
He says, “Sometimes I really don’t know I miss you so much.”
I want to tell him that I miss him, too, but instead I deflect with a laugh and say, “Yeah. This whole divorce business ain’t easy.”
We’re both quiet for something close to a full minute and then he says, “You want to come over? Watch a movie or something?”
I feel goose bumps rise on my arms and legs but shoot back, “I don’t think that would be a very good idea”
I know I am right, but I still hate myself for saying it. I want nothing more than to go back to my old apartment, sit with Ben on the couch, and watch a movie. At this moment, I miss our friendship more than anything else.
Part of me hopes he’ll talk me into it, but he just says, “You’re probably right.”
“Yeah,” I say.
“Okay,” he says.
“Well. I better go,” I say, my eyes filling with tears.
“Okay. Good-bye, Claudia,” he says softly. “Be well.”
“You, too,” I say, feeling unbelievably empty inside. I can’t ever remember feeling this lonesome. As I hang up, I tell myself to memorize the ache in my chest just in case I ever get any more bright ideas to get in touch with Ben. I don’t want to be reminded of what I no longer have.
Jess returns the following morning from her red-eye flight, bursting into my bedroom. The best way to describe her is giddy.
“I’m so glad you’re awake!” she says, running and jumping on the foot of my bed.
“What’s up?” I say, just as Tucker’s vivid features come into sharp focus. “How was your trip?”
Jess sings, “Trey’s leaving his wife!”
“That’s great!” I say, my voice sounding stilted. It’s hard for me to muster up a lot of enthusiasm around the subject of divorce.
“He’s telling her this week,” she says. “She’s going on her annual girls’ trip to the beach this Friday and he’s going to tell her right before she leaves.”
How thoughtful , I think. The girls will have something to talk about now . But I say, “And then what?”
“What do you mean ‘then what’?” she says. I know she is hungry for my approval in the way that all single women need the approval of their best friends. In the way that I now need her approval.
“I mean what are the logistics? Is he moving to New York?”
“We haven’t talked about that yet,” she says.
“Oh,” I say, and then worry that I’m probably not sounding jubilant enough. The last thing I want to do is rain on Jess’s parade when every single one of her parades over the past decade-plus has been rained out. Besides, nothing I say is going to change what she does so I might as well be supportive. Sometimes you just need someone to be happy, or sad along with you. Still, I can’t help having a very bad feeling about Trey. Except in a few, very rare circumstances, I am a firm believer in the saying, Once a cheater, always a cheater .
I know Jess can sense my skepticism because she says, “You don’t like him, do you?”
“I don’t know him,” I say quickly. “I just I don’t know”
“Say it,” she says.
I hesitate and then say, “Do you think you could ever really trust him?”
“We’re totally in love,” Jess says, which doesn’t really address my question. You can love someone you mistrust. “He’s my soul mate.”
My legs feel weak just hearing the words soul mate , words I once used to describe my relationship with Ben. There is no better feeling in the world than believing you have found your soul mate. It’s utter euphoria. Which is sort of the exact opposite of how I feel right now.
“I’m happy for you, Jess,” I say. “I really hope things work out.”