“But?” Ben says, because my tone suggests a but .
I start rambling about how rare it is for a baby to sleep so much. I remind Ben that my sister’s kids all had colic, and that even short of colic, most babies fuss a lot more than Raymond Jr. My monologue is not exactly subtle, but neither is Ben’s rebuttal: a sales pitch centered on lofty and impractical offers to take “full, nighttime responsibility” for our baby should we somehow produce the difficult kind. It is as if he believes that the only thing keeping me from having children is my desire for a full eight hours of slumber. He follows that up with a speech about his firm’s liberal paternity-leave policies and the appeal of being a stay-at-home dad.
“A stay-at-home dad?” I say. “You love your career.”
Ben shrugs. “I’d love our baby, too The point is, you wouldn’t have to change your schedule at all , Claudia,” he says. Then he repeats the statement, with the same emphasis on you and all .
“I heard you the first time,” I say.
That night, around three a.m., I find myself wide awake and worrying. I strongly consider shaking Ben and saying, “Your turn to get the baby, honey.” After all, it’s one thing to talk about getting up in the middle of the night. It’s a very different thing to do it when all you really feel like doing is sleeping.
But I decide against this tactic. After all, the way things have been going for me lately, Ben would likely get up, whistling and brainstorming baby names.
* * *
three
Ben’s baby comments verge on bribery and continue rapid-fire over the next few days. I tell myself to hang in there, don’t blow up, ride it out. I tell myself that I should give him at least as long as his guitar-playing days lasted on the off chance that babies are just Ben’s current fixation. Or maybe he’s just a little restless or bored or looking for something to fill a void. This would fit with one of my theories of why some couples even the ones so ill-suited to be parents have children. The theory is that part of the baby allure might have to do with our society’s focus on “firsts.” With benchmarks and rites of passage. We have our first kiss, first relationship, high school graduation, college, college graduation, first job, wedding, first home. Having a child just seems to be the next thing remaining in the progression of life, the only momentous step left to take. Or maybe couples just want to vicariously experience all those great firsts again through their children. Relive the highs and erase their mistakes. I’m not saying all couples have a baby for these reasons most truly want to be parents but I think some do.
In case Ben falls into this category, I make a point to work a little less and see to it that our life together is as full and fun as possible. I see to it that we do all the things we have always done together, but with greater intensity and frequency. I make reservations at new restaurants and take us to hear great music and see fabulous art. I plan weekend getaways to the Berkshires and the Hamptons.
Most important, I follow Jess’s advice and keep our sex life strong. Jess is a huge believer in sex as a panacea to any problem—which is why she is so convinced that Trey is going to leave his wife any day now (she claims to be that good).
One night in particular, I wear my best lingerie and initiate the sort of lovemaking that is worthy of a lifetime highlight reel. All the while, I am feeling our crazy chemical connection, the part of our relationship that has felt lacking since our trip to St. John. I am sure that this effort will turn the tide back in my favor.
Afterward, my mind is blissfully blank. Then it drifts back to babies. I resist the urge to point out the obvious that a child might jeopardize our love life. That we’d have little time or energy for sex. That we wouldn’t be able to put each other first anymore. Surely Ben must be thinking the same thing when he kisses the top of my head and mumbles, “I love you, Claudia Sweet dreams.”
“You, too,” I say, feeling myself drift off.
That’s when Ben rolls toward me and says, “Claudia, if we have this baby, I promise you will be the first woman in the history of the world not to lose a wink of sleep.”
It is very unlike Ben to talk at all after we make love, so I’m especially irritated that he is breaking his typical male pattern with this gem. I can feel all my muscles tense as I say, “For heaven’s sake, Ben. This isn’t a puppy we’re talking about.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he says.
“You act as if you’re offering to walk a damn beagle in the middle of the night! We’re talking about a baby here!”
“I know that,” Ben says.
“A baby that will completely change my life. Our life.”