“Whatever. If you want to give up that’s fine. It seems like that’s what you’ve done all your life. But you could’ve at least tried for him. You don’t have to be such a terrible father!”
“I’m a fuck-up!” he admitted. “Over and over I fuck up in my life. I’m an asshole, ask anyone in this town, ask your father. I. Fuck. Up. But everything I have ever done since the day his mom left me has been for that boy and his mother. He didn’t deserve to have the responsibly of choosing between his mother and me. I saw the heartbreak in his eyes, it was killing him. So I made the choice for him. As parents we make choices. We make the hard choices that we never want to. We give things up when it’s the hardest thing in the world. We allow our kids to hate us if it means they’ll have a better life. We sacrifice every single day. We send birthday and Christmas cards that the kid stops replying to because by that point, he just hates you. Which is for the best, because you ain’t got shit to offer him. He needed to be with his mom. She needed him more than my selfish desires of having him here. The last thing he needed or deserved was to sit here and watch me die.
“I separated myself to make their lives better. To make their lives something good. I was nothing but a damn burden for those two. I fuck up and over and over again, but if it means that they get a chance at being happy, then I will keep fucking up. For them. Always for them.” I stood there with tears in my eyes, listening to his words, replaying them in my head. He rubbed his temple before closing his eyes and taking a breath. “Sometimes loving someone means knowing they’re better off without you.”
40 Levi
When I got back to Alabama, Denise was waiting for me at the airport. We didn’t go to the hospital to see Mom until the next morning. Brian, Denise, and I stood outside of her hospital room. When I looked in at her small body, I felt sick. Seeing her hooked up to those machines tore me up inside. She looked a little pale in the face, but her brown eyes had life.
A life I hadn’t seen in her eyes in so long.
“I’m okay, Levi.” Within seconds I was beside her, holding her hands and hugging her tight as she held me back. “I’m okay,” she said again.
I held on tighter.
* * *
“She seems good,” I said as Denise and I stepped out of the hospital room.
“She is good. They have her on some new medicines that seem to be working well for her, besides this incident.” She reached into her purse and pulled out a hair brush and started running it through her locks. She then proceeded to apply lip gloss and mascara. Only she would be worried about looking put together in the hallways of a hospital. “You’ll stay with me and Brian for a while until she finishes up the next few weeks at St. John’s. I’ll help you with your homeschooling and everything until your mom’s back. Then if things are going well, she’ll be an outpatient with three appointments a week for the next few months, but she’ll be home with you.”
Home.
I’d missed home.
She excused herself to go find a decent cup of coffee.
I looked back into the room to see Mom staring my way with a smile. Within seconds, I was by her side again. “How’s your father?”
“Not too good.” I walked over to her and sat in the chair beside her.
Her fingers ran across my forehead as she moved my hair back. “I’m so sorry, honey. When do you go back?”
“I’m not going back. I’m staying with Denise for homeschooling until you come back home.”
She sat up in her bed. “That wasn’t part of the plan. Denise said you were just coming back to visit for a little while.”
“No. I’m staying.”
Shaking her head, she took my hands into hers. “You have to go back and stay with your father, Levi.”
“I’m here now, Mom. You wanted me to come home, and now I’m here.”
She frowned. “I wasn’t in my right mindset. You should have this time with your father.”
“He doesn’t want me.” I sat back in my chair and released a heavy sigh. “He told me he didn’t want me.”
“That’s a lie. He always wanted you. This is my fault,” she whispered, fidgeting with her fingers.
It didn’t matter anymore. He’d made his choice, and I’d made mine.
* * *
Later that night I had Denise drop me off at the cabin. I wanted to finally sleep in my own bed. She tried to talk me out of it, but she agreed after dropping off some groceries and things.
When I glanced at my cell phone, I saw new messages from Aria and opened them.
Aria: I wish I could’ve explained what you saw with James. He means nothing to me. I just want you to know that. You mean everything. I’m so sorry, Levi.
I knew that, and I knew Aria, but a part of me thought it would be easier to walk away than face the reasoning. I wouldn’t be back to Wisconsin any time soon, and it wasn’t really fair to ask her to wait around for me. Plus, she obviously had things to work out with James, and I was probably just getting in the way of that.
The distance was better for us, for her.
I was only clouding her judgment.