I chewed on my bottom lip, eating off the remnants of the lipstick I’d worn to the party. I wanted him back so badly my knees were shaking. “You look beautiful,” Zane said.
“Where’s Alice? I mean, New Year’s Eve and all that.”
Zane finished off another cookie before he answered. “We’re discussing our relationship,” he said finally. “What was good. What was bad. Why it turned sour.”
“Isn’t that all old news? When I met you, you two had broken up. A fait accompli.”
“She knows how much I love you. We’re both taking some time to think. To decide.”
I squeezed my eyes shut so I didn’t have to look at him. He isn’t coming back, I told myself.
“Beth?” Zane said softly.
I opened my eyes. “I don’t want to see you until you’ve made up your mind,” I said.
Later, I was shocked at my firmness. I lay alone in our bed, feeling our baby roll and tumble, and wondering where I’d gotten the strength to throw Zane out when what I really wanted was to wrap myself around him and never let go.
AFTER THE SNOW melted and spring threatened, the rain came, turning our backyard into mud. I spent my weekends buying baby clothes, tiny things called Onesies and Sleepers. I refinished a crib, painted plump animals in bright primary colors on the walls of the nursery, interviewed nannies.
I still baked, but now it was simple things—sugar cookies for Valentine’s Day, apple pie, pound cake. Aurora missed the fancy stuff, but my neighbors seemed relieved. “Oh, spice cake! How wonderful!” Mrs. Grady told me. Things were starting to change.
The only thing that remained constant was that I was still waiting for Zane to make up his mind. Sometimes when he called, I almost picked up the phone. Almost, but I resisted. Instead, I did my prenatal Jane Fonda exercises and practiced my breathing.
“A spring baby is the best kind,” Aurora told me. She was my birthing partner, and after class she always came over for coffee and dessert.
“Guess what?” she said, nibbling on her oatmeal cookie. “Arnie and Chloe are getting married.”
“So soon?”
Our eyes met for an instant.
“You know,” Aurora said, “sometimes, maybe there is such a thing as love at first sight. What do I know? I’ve had sixteen boyfriends in eight years.” She caught my gaze again. “You never know.”
“That’s for sure.”
“I think he’s going to come back,” Aurora said. “How could he not? He’s just being a typical man. Considering his options. Stuff he should have done first.”
WHEN ZANE DID come back, it was raining. Hard. I had just frosted a dozen chocolate cupcakes and sprinkled them with multicolored jimmies. Outside, our yard was bursting with life—bright crocuses and tulips, lime green buds on the tips of tree branches. My due date was two weeks away, and everything was ready.
I heard Zane’s car pull up, heard him swear as he stepped into some mud. I was upstairs, getting ready for bed. I went to the window and watched as he made the slippery route back home.
He rang the doorbell. But instead of answering it, I opened the window and pressed my face to the screen. The rain felt warm against my skin.
“Hi,” I said.
Zane stepped back to get a good look at me. He didn’t have on a raincoat or hat, and water streamed down his face, matted his hair to his head.
“Let me in,” he said. “It’s pouring.”
“What do you want?” I called down. “I was just going to bed.”
“You, Beth,” He said. I could see his dazzling smile even from that distance, even in the dark and rain. “I want you.”
I stared down at him. He looked, I thought, very small.
“Beth,” he said. “Come on. I’m soaked.”
But all I did was shake my head.
“Come on,” he said again, leaning his head back to try to see me more clearly.
“Zane,” I said, “I don’t know if I want you to come back.”
He laughed. “Very funny,” he said. When I didn’t answer, he shouted, “What about our baby? What about us?”
“I don’t know,” I told him, which was only half true. I felt certain about the baby, but about us I really didn’t have a clue. “I guess I need some time. To think. To decide.”
“But I love you,” he said.
“I know,” I said. Then I stepped back from the window.
He stood out there a very long time. But finally, I heard the car door slam shut, the tires spin in the mud, then Zane driving away. That was when I made my way downstairs, into the kitchen. My cupcakes were lined up, shining with chocolate and colorful sprinkles. I removed the plastic wrap and sank my teeth into a cupcake. In the morning, I would call Aurora, I would practice my breathing, I would pick a bouquet of spring flowers. But for right then, I wanted nothing more than to sit and enjoy what I had made. It had been too long since I’d had something that sweet.
JOELLE’S MOTHER