Nothing feels right. Surely weddings were the saddest things ever. Celeste has Terry propped against a wall, and Eddie is laughing like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever seen. They’ve wheeled the cake over to them for the cutting ceremony, and Terry is wedged between it and the wall.
The cake has six layers and lots of fake yellow flowers with a plastic bride and groom on the very top. Aida worries that her sister will fall over, onto the cake. But no. Terry cuts a piece, her hands shaking like crazy while the band plays “The Farmer in the Dell” and everyone sings, “The bride cuts the cake . . .” Then Eddie cuts his piece and the singing changes to “The groom cuts the cake . . .” Terry picks up the piece she cut and looks at it, confused. But Eddie takes his piece and shoves it right in Terry’s face, smearing frosting and yellow wedding cake all over her mouth and nose and cheeks.
Everyone laughs, except Aida. Eddie keeps pushing the cake into Terry’s face, long after the point is made. But Terry doesn’t even seem to notice. Finally, Celeste leads her away, frosting clinging to her hair and crumbs falling onto her chiana wedding gown.
“Good job, Eddie!” the bandleader says. “Now we’ve got a real treat. The bride’s cousin, Cammie Campo, is going to perform her act, straight from Las Vegas.”
Applause fills the room, and Aunt Gloria gets to her feet, pride all over her face.
“Her show is a favorite with Joey Bishop and Dean Martin,” the bandleader says, grinning in his shiny black tuxedo and bright-yellow ruffled shirt. “And I have a feeling it will be a favorite of yours, too! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Cammie Campo!”
Aida frowns as the band begins the song. She’s sat through enough Sunday nights with Mama Jo to recognize the Bonanza theme song, the four men bursting through a flaming map of the Ponderosa.
Cammie has changed into white hot pants and a pink sheer blouse tied under her breasts and a pink cowboy hat and matching pink cowboy boots. As she sings, she moves her hips in perfect time to the beat. A man whistles.
Cammie sings, wagging her finger, “He’s gonna fight with me . . .”
When she points her finger right at those big breasts, men start calling out to her: “I’ll fight you, baby!”
Cammie keeps on singing, about Hoss and Joe, but the way she’s gyrating and shaking her breasts, no one is really listening anymore. In one swift motion her hot pants are off and her shirt is off and she’s standing on the stage in the Stardust Room in a G string and little tassels on her oversize thousand-dollar breasts.
Aunt Gloria’s face has changed from proud to horrified and Mama Jo is shouting something that cannot be heard over the sound of men running to the stage to get closer, men calling to Cammie.
Hands on her hips, Cammie sings her finale: “Bonanza! Bonanza! Bonanza!” With each “Bonanza” she swirls her breasts in such a way that the tassels spin in perfect synchronization. Aida watches them as if she has been hypnotized, as they spin so fast they become nothing but a blur, like the cheap foil pinwheels children run with in the wind.
AIDA CANNOT EXPLAIN what happens next. How Mama Jo got home or who gave her the heart medicine she only took in extreme situations, a small pill placed under her tongue. Where Cammie disappeared to after she scooped up the dollar bills men threw at her feet and left the stage, wiggling her fingers over her shoulder in farewell. How the bandleader finally brought order back to the Stardust Room and managed to get Terry on the stage to throw her bouquet into the crowd below of eager girls, their fingers reaching greedily upward to grab the daisies tied with yellow ribbon.
But it all happens. Boxed wedding cake is handed out as guests leave. This was supposed to be Aida’s one job, to hand out the cake and instruct women to sleep with it under their pillow so they can dream about the man they will marry. But she refuses to do it and lets Celeste perform even this task.
Terry appears in her going-away outfit, a yellow pantsuit. She smells like she has thrown up. Still she thanks everyone and takes Eddie’s hand as they leave for their honeymoon. The next day the paper says, “The couple is touring the New England States.” But really they check into a motel in Narragansett and drop acid and eat mushrooms for three days.
Aida is the last to leave the Stardust Room. She walks around, touching the stained tablecloths, the lipstick-rimmed glasses, the fountain gurgling with foam. There, on the floor near the stage, is a hot-pink tassel. She picks it up and crushes it to her face.
Anything can happen, she thinks. She can step outside and everything can change. Aida lets the tassel drop to the floor, and then she does just that. She steps outside. The parking lot is nearly empty. The air is different; she smells rain in it and hears the distant rumble of thunder.
“Aida!” her mother yells.
Fat raindrops begin to fall, splattering her face.
“Aida!”
The rain comes, hard and fast, shining in the headlights and streetlights, streaming down Aida’s hair and bare shoulders. Aida leans her head back, opens her mouth, and drinks.
Captain Macaroni