“You stay here, son,” Redman demanded, pointing to the other rocker. His eyes looked hollow in the darkness and his voice was raspy. “I appreciate you going to get her.”
“I didn’t expect you and Bea to be here; I thought you were staying one more night?”
“Bea wanted to get back, and I wanted to have a talk with you.”
“Okay, sure.”
“I know what you did. In a matter of days, you’ve made some big life changes. For Avelina, I’m guessing?”
“Everyone keeps telling me what my motives are. I want to get to know her, that’s all. I can’t do that from L.A.”
“But the simple truth is you quit your job to see about a girl.”
“Yeah, I suppose I did.”
“She may never get over what she’s gone through.” He blew smoke directly into the lantern light, stunning a swarm of tiny moths.
“I have to try.”
He turned toward me, and even though I couldn’t see his shadowed face I knew he could see mine, facing the light. “Well, I suppose she needs to learn that there are as many ways to love as there are to die.”
I nodded. I understood very well what Redman was trying to say. Ava didn’t have to stop loving Jake or mourning him to move on and live her life, just the same way that one mistake would not define my career, even if the consequences were great.
I stood and walked past Redman through the front door. Ava was sitting on the couch in a blue terry-cloth robe, probably one of Bea’s. She was unaware as I stood there watching Bea brush out her long hair. For several moments I was deep in thought, wondering if perhaps I was trying to save her, and why.
“Bea, can I stay here tonight?” They both turned at the same time. Ava smiled faintly.
“Of course, honey, the room is yours.”
“Thank you.”
In the bathroom, while I searched the cabinet for aspirin, I felt a presence behind me. I turned to see Ava standing in the doorway.
“Hey.”
“Hey. Can I see your hand?” She approached me.
I held it out to her and watched her examine it. “I know you’re the doctor but I think I should put a splint on this finger. It’s quite swollen and it looks like you might’ve fractured or bruised the knuckle.”
“How do you know all that?” I smiled and she returned it with a serene look.
“This happened to Jake often. The rope wraps on the horn were so tight he’d get his fingers caught in them sometimes when he was competing.”
I looked from our hands up to her eyes as she examined the bruised knuckle. “Okay, splint it. I trust you.”
She nodded and then left, returning a moment later with medical tape and broken popsicle sticks. She held them up. “The hillbilly way.”
I laughed but then winced as she wrapped the tape around my knuckle.
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay, you’re doing great. You’re a natural.”
There were a few unbearable moments of silence after she finished the wrap. I felt that familiar pull toward her whenever I’d get close enough, like two magnets as they inched closer together. I ached to take her in my arms, but I was worried she’d pull away.
“Maybe, I can stay with you in the guest room. It’s almost dawn and I’m tired, but I want to talk to you,” she said.
“Of course.”
We moved from the bathroom to the guest room. Bea walked by and pushed the door open wide. “Have some manners, you two.”
We lay down on top of the comforter, me fully dressed and her in the fluffy robe. We faced each other on our sides. “Nate, I’m sorry about earlier.”
“All is forgiven. I’m sorry, too. Olivia, the woman you heard on the phone, is an old friend; there’s nothing between me and her. I wish I had the words at the moment to explain that to you, but I was so relieved to hear your voice that I could think of nothing else.”
“I want to start over. I want to learn how to be less of a wreck.” Her eyes filled with tears.
“You’re not a wreck. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself.”
She nodded, looking up to the ceiling. “Every time I think I’m over it, everything comes rushing back.”
“You don’t have to let it go.”
“I know, but it’s not letting go that scares me. Life is no longer precious when you have nothing to lose, and that’s the place I’ve been living all these years since Jake. I’ve been indifferent. But now I can feel the fear coming back. It comes back even stronger when you know there’s something to be lost again.”
It was her first real expression of her feelings for me. “I’ve never loved and lost, but I’m scared, too.”
She closed her eyes and within a few moments her breaths steadied. I wondered what it would be like to lose someone the way Ava had at such a young age.
The four-week roller coaster of my life was clicking back up the tracks. I was at that point when you reach the peak before falling and you think maybe you want off, that maybe they can stop it. But I don’t think you can stop once you start falling. At least I couldn’t, and I didn’t want to. It’s as exhilarating as it is terrifying to fall in love.