Titus nodded, wondering if her heart would heal as quickly as her body. He ushered the physician out soon after, paying him for his time though in Titus’s opinion he did little to help. Stepping back into Abigail’s chamber, he felt oppressed. Daylight faded from the sky and the air coming through the window was cool. The tension was thick and brutal. He fell to his knees beside the bed and rested his forehead on its edge.
“Forgive me,” he whispered, to Abigail and to God. “The first obstacle I faced, and I stumbled. And not only did I stumble, I took with me on my fall the best gift I had ever received. My Father, I do not deserve your mercy. She does. Not for my sake, but for hers I ask you to put your hand upon her in healing.” His hands, linked above his head on the mattress, clenched into fists of affliction. He heard Miriam and Phillip slip out of the room. “Lord God, you know my heart, in its weaknesses and its desires. You know that my love for her is pure, even if my wants are not. I have lied even to myself this day, this past month. My mind would have me cry out to you, ‘Why do you punish her for my sins? Why did you not see my hidden desire and respond to it instead of my words?’ But my soul knows that these thoughts are unjust. You have given us all freedom, and we abuse it. My father’s actions are not your will, yet I trust they will work to your good. Please, Father Jehovah, forgive me. And please, too, give me the strength to forgive my tormenters, even as your Son did.”
He halted, unable to find the words to put to the stirring of his soul. Rather than try and fail in that, he let silence fall around him, his heart inclined toward heaven. He felt a feather light touch upon his head and looked up to find Abigail trying to look at him through one swollen eye. He picked up her hand from where weakness had made her drop it right in front of him and kissed her fingers gently.
“The baby?” Abigail murmured.
Titus shook his head. When she closed her eyes again and turned her face away in pain, he felt his heart clench within him.
“I am sorry.” She winced, gasped. “I prayed selfishly when I realized it this morning. The Lord heard and punished me.”
“No.” He got up and sat beside her so that he could put a hand on her face to urge her to look at him again. His smile felt small, soft on his mouth. “Abigail, the Lord hears your heart, not your words. And in your heart, you would never wish an innocent dead for your own convenience, I know that. Surely God, in his wisdom, knows that you did not mean any selfish thoughts. Just as he surely knows that this is not the best way to save you from ruin. The blame for this is divided among us, my love, between us and my father, but it does not touch Jehovah. He knows, just as I do, that I would have married you. There is no way I could let the children suffer for my actions. This would not be his answer.”
Abigail shook her head degree by degree. There were tears stinging her eyes. “I would not marry you out of duty, Titus.”
He smiled anew. “It would not have been duty, Abigail. I love you. I want to help you raise the children; Benjamin, Samuel, and all those we would have together. I want you to be the mother of my sons, dear one, and I want my daughters to walk with your grace.” He saw her cracked lip quivering with emotion, and he leaned down and brushed a kiss over it. “Rest now, beloved. We will speak more of this when you are better. We cannot move you until then, but I will use the time to make the villa safe for you. And I will make sure that Phillip and Panther are both here at all times to watch over you.”
“The children?”
He smiled. “With my mother. They will be taken care of. Now rest. You lost much blood.”
Abigail closed her eyes to obey, but she soon opened them and looked at him. Something in her face relaxed. “I have missed seeing that peace in your eyes, Titus.”
He wove their fingers together. “I have missed feeling it there. I was simply too stubborn to realize it.” He drew in a long breath. “I am sure I will make many mistakes, my love, many not so bad as this, but perhaps some even greater. I cannot promise otherwise. I do not understand the faith as well as you, I do not know all the laws I should obey. But I can promise this; I will not make the same mistake again. And I will never close my heart off to God as I did this past month.”
Abigail gave his fingers a weak squeeze and let her eyes slide closed. “I love you.”
“I know.” He sighed. “It is the greatest blessing of my life.”
*