“It’s not like that, you all.”
Lauren looks at me like I belong in the psych unit. “The man just ripped your heart out, shredded it in front of your eyes, then stomped on it and kicked you out of his house, all when you were at your lowest point. After, I might add, you told him you love him. How can you possibly defend him?”
“He didn’t kick me out.”
“He didn’t exactly cuddle up to you and call the doctor either, did he?” Lauren asks.
“There are things about him you don’t know.”
“Things? What kinds of things?” Laney asks.
“I never told you all this because it was so personal to him, but a over a year ago, his best friend since kindergarten died of cancer. And they were super close. Closer than even brothers. It really threw him for a loop. He’s just now getting past all that. The cancer thing totally freaks him out.”
Lauren thrums her fingers on her legs. “Okay, I get all that. But still. It’s even more important that he not abandon you now, when shit is really falling apart. He, of all people, should know you need his support more than ever. So in my humble opinion, that makes him an even bigger douche.”
“Exactly! He’s the ultimate doucheface,” Laney says.
I hug my body. “I can’t explain it.”
Lauren sighs. “You don’t have to. But I should’ve let my instincts about him rule. The rumors were rampant. Anyway, what’s done is done. Now the important thing is to take care of Sam.”
Laney hands me her phone and says, “Call Mom.”
“Now?”
“Please.”
As soon as I tell Mom, she immediately starts sobbing, which induces another round of tears with me. My heart is crushed as she tries to pull herself together, yet fails. Then she wants to rush over, but Laney grabs the phone and explains that I’m going to try to sleep. She informs her of my appointment so she can be there, too.
In the meantime, Lauren has called in the gang and they will be arriving at the house later.
Suddenly I’m frozen with fear as I think about the ramifications of what’s happening and violent tremors shake me from head to toe.
Laney grabs my hand. “What is it?”
“I don’t want to die.” Tears bubble out of my lids faster than I can blink and I feel like I’m suffocating. “I shouldn’t have put this off,” I stutter. “This is all my fault. And now I’m going to put you and Mom and Dad through all kinds of hell because I was so selfish.”
“Hey, hey, hey, who said anything about dying? And you don’t even know what this lump is. It may be nothing. You just had an ultrasound so I’m thinking it’s a cyst or something. Don’t go jumping the gun here, Sam.” Laney always was the calm one, the one that thinks about things rationally.
Lauren hands me another shot and I throw it back, letting the burn find its way to my gut. My hands can’t stop shaking as I hand her back the shot glass. “Sorry.”
“For what? Being afraid? Who wouldn’t be? But Laney’s right. Let’s take this a day at a time. And don’t worry.”
I give them an unconvincing nod. Then I remember my business. “What am I going to do about work?”
Laney, who’s lucky to not have to work because Evan has family money, says, “I can help. I’m not busy with any of my charities right now. What do you want me to do?”
“You don’t mind?”
“Of course not. I’m your sister, Sam. I’ll do anything for you.”
“What would I do without you?” I throw my arms around her. “Nancy at the office can tell you what needs to be done. I can go in tomorrow. But then I don’t know if I’ll be worth a thing on Friday.”
“Don’t worry. Let me go in now and handle what needs handling for the rest of the afternoon.”
After she’s gone, I ask Lauren, “Why is it always me that needs the pieces put back together?”
“Because you’re beautiful and kind and loving. And Sam, don’t change.”
My body sags at her words. “I think I’m going to lie down for a while.”
“Okay. I’m here for the day. Call if you need me.”
“Have I told you that I love you lately?” I ask.
“You just did.”
My tear-stained smile is weak, but it’s all I have to offer right now. I trudge to my bedroom, with the weight of the world on my shoulders. When I get to the bathroom, I stare at the woman in the mirror and the haunted eyes reflected back tell me how frightened I am. I wipe off the mascara that’s made its way down my cheeks, and then strip off my clothes.