He stands and I follow him into the living room. When he sits, he draws me onto his lap.
“There is no time limit on grief, Ben. No one says you only have a year, or a month, or whatever. I imagine losing him was like losing a part of yourself. You can’t just sweep it away like crumbs on the floor. You have to learn to live without him. And that takes adjusting. Brushing off your hands and moving on isn’t the answer. It doesn’t work that way. And if someone told you that, they were lying. When my grandmother died, it took my mother a couple of years to get to the point where she could talk about her and not cry.”
He drops his head back on the sofa and I think maybe it’s my cue to get off his lap, but I’m wrong.
“Don’t go. I need you here.”
“Okay. I’m not going anywhere,” I say.
“Maybe Cate is right by leaving. Drew is everywhere in this town. I don’t want to forget him, but it fucking hurts to remember he’s gone. And I’m sorry if I keep dumping on you. It’s just until you, no one has understood except Cate, and I’m supposed to be strong for her. So I keep some things to myself.”
“I’m here whenever you need me. I’ve never been through losing my best friend, but I get it.”
“Thanks. Your being here helps more than you know.”
I rearrange his disheveled hair. “I wish there was more I could do.”
What an awful burden to keep to yourself. I don’t verbalize this thought, but so many things start to fall into place with him.
“Any time you need to talk, Ben, I’m willing to listen.”
He rewards me with a kiss.
After eating around the very charred parts of the chicken, which Ben apologizes for profusely, we decide to shelve the ice cream and save it for some other time. Instead, we end up watching a movie. It was one of the Fast and Furious ones, but we both fall asleep during the thing. I wake up sometime in the middle of the night, in Ben’s bed, realizing he must’ve carried me up here.
In the morning, a sheepish Ben apologizes again for the way the night turned out and tells me he wants to make it up to me in the form of a nice dinner as soon as both of our schedules allow.
“Last night happened to be about comfort and support. Sometimes that’s what we need.” I lift up my shirt and say, “Besides, look at this. Does this look like someone in need of more food? It looks like I swallowed a watermelon.”
Ben tumbles me into his lap and cups my breast. “You do not. It’s more like a cantaloupe.”
“Ahh! You’re terrible. I’m not talking about my tits. I’m talking about my gut.” I swat his hands away, but not before he squeezes them a few times.
“Why? Your body is fine, your tits are amazing.”
I rub my stomach, and it does resemble a cantaloupe. “I need a diet.”
“Don’t you dare. I want you the way you are, soft with curves like a woman should be.”
Well, at least he likes a woman with a Buddha belly. Reluctantly, we leave the bed so we can both go to work. That night when I get home at almost nine, Lauren is back from the beach and all over me for information about Ben.
“I can’t believe you haven’t called us! The gang is pissed off at you.” She jabs a finger at me. Her accusation is loud and clear. Between her job and mine, I hadn’t seen her until today.
“I was with him all weekend. There wasn’t time. We’ve both been busy the last couple of days. And I spent the night at his place.”
“If the shoe were on the other foot, you would’ve killed me.”
“Okay. Dinner, tomorrow night at our usual spot. All the girls and I’ll fill you in.”
I know she wants to hear first but I can’t stay awake any longer.
The next day turns out to be a killer work day. As I walk into the restaurant that evening to face my cross-examining besties, they all wave at me. Talk about eager. Usually I’m one of the first to arrive, and I’m not even late.
“So?” they all chime in on the big Ben question.
“I’ll save you the trouble of asking any questions. He’s amazing in every sense of the word.”
“Ah, I’m so jealous,” Berkeley says. “I knew he could change and be worth it.”
“Me too.” Carrie speaks out.
“I want John to act like that,” says Hayley.
“I hate to be the naysayer here, but do you think he’ll go back to being dickfaced Ben? I mean, I want him to be your knight, but I don’t want you to get hurt either. And it sounds like your heart is involved now,” says Lauren.
“Just listen to this.” And I give them a blow by blow of the corporate party and just about everything afterward. I don’t give them the details about his friend, Drew. I hold that back, thinking it’s too personal to share. Maybe someday, but not today. I skim over it saying his best friend died of cancer.
“You’re making him sound like gold, and not the plating kind, which is surprising considering his reputation,” Lauren says.