Deception (Infidelity #3)

Before Nox, I’d never seen most of the accessories. Warmth filled my cheeks as I considered my new knowledge. Who would have ever thought a flogger could be so erotic?

Nox reached for my chin, holding it between his thumb and index finger and brought my moist eyes to his. “I’ve seen your shadows. I want to help rid your golden eyes of them, to make them clear. Your eyes are stunning when they’re focused and not filled with concerns from your past. I’ve seen them shining with wonder as you sit for hours and read about things that would bore most of the world. They’ve been filled with anticipation as you watch my every move, wondering what I will do next. Those are the eyes I adore. If you talk about the shadows, share them with me, they can’t linger in there anymore.”

When I tried to look down, he held my face steady. This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have answered his question, should have let the evening go where he’d planned. Since I couldn’t move my gaze away, my only escape was to close my eyes.

I did, allowing my lashes to lie upon my cheeks.

“No, Charli. Look at me. You brought this up.”

I peered upward. “You asked. You said you were going to make me tell you.”

“If I thought anything in this drawer could erase that sadness, I wouldn’t hesitate, but, princess, you’re the only one who can do that.” He ran the pad of his thumb over my lips. “I won’t make you tell me anything. I want you to want to tell me. Do you understand?”

I nodded against his hold.

“I’ll ask you questions. Tell me what you can.”

His words scared me more than anything in his drawer. The sweet lash of knotted leather would be easier to endure than answering questions, especially if he found the right ones to ask.

Fear at that thought squeezed the muscles of my throat, holding back my answer. Nevertheless, I managed a whispered reply. “I’ll try.”

Nox shut the drawer, and I let out an exaggerated breath. “I’m sorry. Your plans were better than this.”

“Don’t be sorry. My plans can wait.”

Tenderly, he led me back to the bedroom. “This Jane, do you know where she is now?”

I nodded and took a deep breath. “Yes, she’s at my… at my parents’ house.” The explanation left a sour taste on my tongue.

“It bothers you to say parents, doesn’t it?” Nox asked.

I nodded again.

“You said you loved her like you should have loved… your mother?”

I lowered my lids. “I do love my mother. But I’ve hurt her.” I shook my head. “I’ve never meant to cause her pain, but she’s been nonetheless hurt because of me. I think I knew it. That was why it was easier to…”

“To leave?” Nox asked.

“Yes. But she keeps begging me to come back. I can’t. I can’t bear it. Seeing him makes me physically ill.”

“Him? Your stepfather?”

“Yes,” I answered quickly. “I don’t know what I want to say. I guess I do love my mother, too. I stay away because when I’m around my mother, I say things that upset him. And over the years she’s paid for more of my mistakes than I have.” My voice trailed to a whisper. “And I paid dearly.”

Nox’s shoulders tightened as he guided me to the bed. Though we were both fully clothed, he pulled me close and wrapped his arm over my shoulder as we both sat against the headboard.

“Can you tell me what that bastard did?”

The delicious dinner of lasagna and bread that we’d recently consumed churned in my stomach. Maybe it was the wine that had loosened my lips. Even so, my chest ached as if it had been cracked open, the breastbone physically fractured. There was something about the pain that was excruciating yet also liberating. I’d stored so many memories, encased and entombed them. The break freed them. In a few words they’d no longer be shadows but light in our darkened room.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. With Nox’s arm keeping me safe and giving me strength, I began to explain. “My mother always endured more of his wrath. Now that I’m older and more perceptive, I wonder if she asked for it, took it on intentionally to spare me. All those years I thought she didn’t care, thought she didn’t see. She’d spend days in her suite, claiming migraines. But now, as I listen to her desperation to see me, to talk to me, and listened to Jane, I wonder if maybe there was more, more that a little girl or a teenager didn’t see, couldn’t comprehend.”

“Your stepfather hurt your mother?”

I nodded.

“Once? Twice?”

“Always. Abuse—mental, emotional, physical. You name it.”

“Alex,” Nox said, his use of my real name an indication of how serious he was taking this conversation. “What about you? Did he abuse you?”

“Psychologically. Verbally. I was never good enough, at anything. Always an embarrassment. Never the Montague I should be.”

“What did he…?”

My tongue darted to my lips, moistening them so that I could continue. “I’ve never talked about it. Not even to Jane, but she knew. She always knew. She would always find me and do what she could to help.” I sighed. “She used to tell me that one day I could leave Montague Manor and I’d find a life that would make me happy.”

I placed my hands on Nox’s chest, small white buttons ran from his open collar to beneath his pants. Warmth radiated through the thin fabric as his heart pounded a steady rhythm below my touch. “I think,” I declared with new determination, “that I have.”

“You have?”

“I’ve found it. I know you have secrets too. I know you have shadows, but in your shadows, mine feel less threatening. For the first time, I feel free to talk about things that I’ve always kept quiet. I don’t want to tell you any of this so that you’ll right a wrong or even to make you share your shadows. I want to tell you so that you’ll know that I trust you.”

I looked back toward the closet and his closed drawer of sex toys. “Not just with my body and safety, but also with my secrets and love. I’ve never felt that way before, except for Jane.”

Nox’s eyes squinted as he seemed to consider my comparison.

“Not sexually… not like you. But listening to Jane’s voice today, I know I’ve always loved and been loved by her, because more than anyone at Montague Manor, I trusted her.” I swallowed, forcing my emotion down. “You and her. You’re the only two people I think I’ve completely trusted.” I shrugged. “Chelsea is close, but I never told her what had happened. And my mother, maybe I owe her more than I’ve given.”

“Did he touch you?” The tension in Nox’s expression appeared almost painful.

“Not sexually.”

The arm around me loosened.

I went on. “He was a fan of corporal punishment.”

Nox’s back straightened against the headboard. When I turned, I saw his eyes shut.

“When…” he began, “…I… when you bit my ankle…” He took a deep breath and moved in front of me, so that we were eye to eye. “I thought you were mad, but you were scared… of me? Because of him?”

It seemed so long ago.

“I was…” I admitted, “…both—mad and scared.”

“Oh, fuck. Charli, I didn’t mean…”

I brushed my lips against his. “You were… different.” I felt the crimson fill my cheeks. “Even though you were upset, there wasn’t the rage. You made it… I didn’t the first time, but since… I guess I like it.” Our lips touched again. “Because once I learned your mission for that first time, to teach me a lesson for signing the agreement, I’m pretty sure that harming or degrading me isn’t your goal. I trust you not to do that. I trust you to make it right, to take the pain and make it pleasure.”

His hand slipped behind my neck, securing my gaze to his. In his pale blue eyes was a mixture of pride and regret, happiness that he held my trust and sadness that he could have lost it.

“Never,” he said. “Never would harming or degrading you be my goal. I was upset about the agreement, but everything since and before has been for pleasure.” He shook his head. “If I’d known… I never would have…”

I touched his lips, silencing his words. “Nox, I haven’t found my hard limit with you, but when—and if—I do, I trust you’ll respect it.”

“Princess, you’ll never have to resort to biting again.”